Top Ten Rules Every Marriage Should Live By...

1/6/2014

FIND ME NOW ON FACEBOOK AT www.facebook.com/ksinsara

These are the hardcore rules that I learned in my previous marriage...(the hard way)

These rules started as a lesson, which eventually turned into a blog....a blog that turned into a book...a book that turned into a radio show...a show that turned into a house hold discussion...

Here are the TOP TEN RULES TO MARRIAGE that I believe every single couple on the planet should live by.

Rule 1: Never say the “D” word.
One of the biggest mistakes that most couples make is they threaten to leave each other, each and every time a problem arises.   “Let’s just get divorced” is said way too often in marriages. The issue is that each and every time you threaten to leave, you cheapen the union you have. Each time you threaten to kick someone out, or walk out the door yourself, you lessen the commitment you have made to your marriage.

The truth is that usually when people threaten divorce they don’t actually mean it. The translation of “let’s just get divorced” usually means “what we are dealing with is a serious issue to me, and I don’t feel like you’re doing what’s necessary to fix it and I’m so frustrated I don’t know what else to say”. “LETS JUST GET DIVORCED” is usually just a verbal warning of complete and total frustration.

The trick is to learn how to just say that you’re frustrated, because whether or not either of you ever leave, each time you threaten to leave, you’re leaving the marriage little by little.

Threatening to leave will cause the exact opposite reaction most couples are truly looking for. Let’s be honest, if the crime were truly egregious enough TO leave, you just WOULD leave. You wouldn’t threaten. So stop being so childish about your arguments.

Rule 2: Discuss and Respect Your “Deal Breakers”
Okay. The only way you can abide by rule #1 is by also adhering and understanding rule #2. Know, discuss and respect each other’s deal breakers.

A “deal breaker” isn’t just something random that pisses you off, or really upsets you. A “deal breaker” isn’t a curve ball. It’s the exact opposite actually. A “deal breaker” is a rule that you have put up on the table and said “IF THIS HAPPENS, it will change how I feel about you and this marriage” and “IF THIS HAPPENS, I’m out”.

For example: “If you ever decide you want to have a sex change and become a woman I am out of here. I may still love you, and we can maybe even continue to be friends, but I will not remain in this romantic relationship”. Or, another more relatable example would be “if you ever cheat on me and have sex with another person, I am out” (although very few couple actually divorce over sexual infidelity, FTW).

If you and your spouse KNOW and RESPECT each other’s “deal breakers” than you can also adhere to Rule #1. There will never be a reason to “threaten to leave” because, unless there’s a “deal breaker” that’s been broken, it’s all fixable.

Do you know your spouses deal breakers? Do they know yours? Spend some time and talk about these. Write them down. KNOW THEM before you go into a marriage and if you’re already in, it’s never too late to establish them now.

It’s like your marriage code of honor. There are no questions on how to handle things when “deal breakers” are set in place. Just follow the code. If it’s a deal breaker, leave, if not, work it out.

Rule 3: Eliminate the Urge to Merge
It sounds sweet at first…to want to do absolutely everything together. Wake up, have coffee, go work out, come home, make dinner, watch a little TV, go see the same friends, do the same thing, go to the same places…a life where you eventually just merge into the same person? Listen. It’s NOT sweet actually. It’s weird! It’s unhealthy, and it’s super annoying to everyone that knows you!

Not having autonomy in a relationship isn’t healthy.   It’s okay to miss your spouse every now and then. If fact, it’s one of the things that will keep your marriage alive, and happy, and healthy.   Eliminate the urge to merge into one human being. If you were supposed to be ONE person, you’d have been born as identical twins, not spouses.

PS. Most people that are joined at the hip have trust issues…so if you can’t seem to break off from this, you may want to figure out why!

Rule 4: Check Your Anger At The Door, It’s Not A Public Marriage

When I was a little girl my aunt and uncle decided to separate. During their “separation period” (and during an obvious moment of vulnerability) my aunt yelled out across the dinner table (during Thanksgiving dinner) “Ralph likes to wear my panties when we have sex, and I don’t like it”.

Um. What? WTF?

I was 10.

My mom and my grandma had a look of absolute shock, dismay and a little hint of disgust on their faces at this inappropriately timed confession.    I didn’t understand why Uncle Ralph wanted to wear my Aunties panties during sex? And, oh yeah, by the way, “what’s sex exactly”?

Here’s what happened next. Apparently my aunt discovered that this is a fetish quite common among men, and doesn’t necessarily mean anything other than “he likes to wear her panties”.   So they got back together and worked it out.

Unfortunately, we, as a family, didn’t “work it out” so well. And now all of the sudden my aunt had an army of people NOT supporting her marriage and NOT believing in her relationship and fighting against her, and them.

Listen people. There are always three sides to a story, every story. It’s not fair when you blurt out your side in your childish moments of selfish needs. If you’re going to talk to someone about your relationship, pick an unbiased, fair 3rd party. Never speak to someone that’s emotionally invested in you. You will never get a fair response and they will always retaliate, in their own ways. It’s just human nature.

Your marriage is NOT a public marriage. Keep the stuff that’s supposed to be private, private!

Rule 5: Couples that Play Together Stay Together
I know I said you shouldn’t do “everything” together…but for the love of God that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do “anything” together. I am always shocked at how few couples actually spend any time “playing” or “dating”.

One of the best ways to stay happily married is to never stop dating one another. It helps you remember why you got together in the first place, and it ensures that you not get stuck in the humdrum of daily life.

Remind yourself, as often as you can, why you fell in love to begin with… and date, play, have fun!

The trick to a happy marriage lies in 5 simple words…NEVER. STOP. DATING. EACH. OTHER.

Rule 6: Have Sex, Whether You Want To Or Not
Jesus Christ when I first posted this blog I got so much shit for saying this, as if I was condoning marital rape.

UM NO, I am not.   Stop being so dramatic. What I am saying is that I think it is bullshit that you expect your spouse to be monogamous with you, yet you refuse to have sex. Where’s the fairness in that? They can’t have sex with you, and they can’t have sex with other people.

Listen, we get it. Life happens. Kids happen. Work, stress, family, bills, etc…all pull us away from the feeling (especially as woman) to want to have sex at any given moment.   Unfortunately weeks of no sex can turn into months of no sex, which can often turn into years of no sex, and before you know it’s just really freaking awkward.

We get it. No one wants to have sex with someone that just disappointed the living shit out of him or her. But you have to work on it.

But sex is a natural human need. You cannot live in a marriage where there is no degree of sex. What do I mean by “degree of sex”? Sex doesn’t always have to be intercourse. It can be other intimate, affectionate acts towards one another.   If you’re missing sex in your marriage you can start getting it back by just being more intimate and affectionate. Eventually it will lead you back to where you began!

Have sex, whether you want to or not, simply means remember to take the time to do whatever leads you into being intimate with one another. Even if you don’t always feel like, make the time and get into the mood however you need to and make it a priority.

Rule 7: The Bubble
In my previous marriage we started this thing we called “The Bubble” with our kids. The Bubble is a figurative “place” you can request to go into and say anything you want-free of consequence. It is a “consequence free zone” to say whatever you feel you need to say, or ask whatever you need to ask, without the fear of punishment for having done so”. The purpose is for them to realize that what they’re asking may be “sensitive” and not something you ask in the middle of the grocery store line. It’s also important that they feel safe to say whatever is needed to say. We wanted to teach them, by using The Bubble, that we truly were open parents, and we honestly wanted to have an open-free dialogue in our home. So even the “traditionally taboo” topics were free and welcome in our home.

The response from our blog was “as a parent, that’s a cool idea”. However, apparently, in a marriage most people said they didn’t want to know the truth, the Bubble Truth.

The idea of implementing this in your marriage is apparently a very controversial.

You basically have two choices. You can continue to placate one another, (and scream and yell fake orgasms) OR you can grow up, understand that even in the best of relationships we need to learn to communicate our needs and desires better, and BE HONEST WITH ONE ANOTHER!

Rule 8: Discuss Your Life Goals and Make Sure You’re In Alignment

Very few couples discuss their life goals with one another. When was the last time you turned to your spouse and said, “what do you want in life”? “Where do you want to be in ten years?” “Who do you want to be”?

It’s important that you discuss your life goals as often as you can and make sure that you’re always in alignment with one another.

Rule 9: Pick and Choose Your Battles
OMG there’s enough real shit to argue about in life. Let me tell you what happens when you argue over stupid shit in life. Eventually “real shit” happens and by this point you’re just tired of arguing, period.

My rule is “is this going to matter one year from now”? If not, let it go. If so, have at it! Life is too hard to battle over stupid, pointless things that will not matter years from now.

You know what I used to argue about constantly in my previous marriage? I used to incessantly argue over our son’s hair. We both disagreed on how it should look, and every single morning it was a battle in our home. And finally one day we both just looked at each other and said, “Why are we fighting about this? Do we really care, and is this really going to matter ten years from now”? Good question! And so we stopped, and never have since.

Rule 10: Never Take Your Spouse For Granted
You know there’s not a single divorced couple out there that looks back and says, “they were always grateful”…”they always said thank you”…”they always made me feel good”.

You know why? Because taking your spouse for granted is one of the things that usually causes most people to divorce! It is an egregious offense that happens every day, all day long, and over time it’s debilitating to you both.

And it’s usually the little things we always forget to say “thank you” for. It’s the things that your spouse does every day for you, and for your family, that you forget to say “hey I really appreciate that you do that”. BUT THOSE are the things that wear on us all. The cleaning, the picking up kids, the cooking, the working, the lawn, the organizing, the taking care of…these are the daily tasks that we always forget to say thank you for.

No divorced couple looks back and remembers feeling an abundance of gratitude.    GRATITUDE is one of the biggest ways to keep your marriage alive and healthy. And the rule in life is that the more you say thank you, the more you will always have to say thank you for because life is an echo…and what we give, we get more of ultimately.

These are our Rules of Marriage. Want to add to them? We would love to hear your thoughts and your own rules that have helped keep your own marriage together, alive and happy!

The bottom line is that whenever you choose to marry someone hopefully that means that you take the bonds of matrimony seriously. It means you're ready for a full commitment to work through the hard times and stay strong during the bad times. But it also means that you're willing to "participate" in that marriage and whether you are gay or straight participation is mandatory!

Let's be honest, times are a changing'. Marriage isn't like it used to be where it was also a matter of survival. I didn't inherent my wife's farm and our kids don't plant and hunt to eat. We live in a digital world where the reality of life is that the grass always looks greener and more manicured but the reality is, like all marriages, the lawns that look the best are the ones that are tended to the most!

Yvonne McGaha

1/6/2014 10:31:24 am

Love your openness, frankness, and humor in what you write. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on a subject so dear to my heart!

Laura Allen

1/28/2014 04:04:19 am

I like this very much I have just left my husband of 19 years. Of course it has to do with something that is not very common. My youngest son died. That's what the problem is. Well at least most of it.

dor

1/28/2014 04:43:40 am

So very sorry for your loss Laura!

Crystal

1/28/2014 12:50:16 pm

Laura. I had the same situation. When my son died my husband and I ended up going our separate ways. Now 8 years later. We have begun talking again. Turns out we both just had different ways of dealing with the pain. And if we were more understanding of the fact that everyone grieves in different ways; we could probably have made it through together. I know all circumstances are different but I would like to talk with you if you dont mind. E mail me

randi

1/29/2014 07:08:49 am

It is rare for a couple to lose a child and remain together. My husband and I lost our daughter four years later and we were divorced. And not even related to her death. There is something about losing a child that changes you both forever and rarely is it in the same direction. And people that haven't lost a child can never possibly understand, no mater how close their child has come to death it is unconceivable until it happens. I think it even takes a long time for the parent who has lost a child before their mind really starts to grasp it, let alone begin to heal.

Kimberly G

1/29/2014 12:51:55 pm

I too lost a son. It was a major strain on my marriage. We were told repeatedly about the statistics by his hospice nurse. As it was said already, everyone mourns in their own way. I would suggest you consider grief counseling for each of you and I would also encourage you both to give the other the space to mourn at your own paces and in your own ways without judging the other for your style of mourning. Some are introspective and not demonsterative, some are more outward in how they mourn. You could find a local support group for couples who have lost a child or contact your local hospice even if your family didn't have any prior contact with them. They should be able to offer you some help if you are interested.

Kristy Sinsara

1/29/2014 02:37:06 pm

Dealing with the death of a child is most definitely something I have never had to deal with. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. I honestly cannot imagine.

These rules apply to your "run of the mill" marriages...not including extreme grief and loss on this level. It would be unbearable. You all sound amazingly strong.

aleysha

1/31/2014 01:39:21 am

I actually completely understand this. When my youngest daughter died it did the same thing to my relationship with her father.

Joyce

2/8/2014 12:15:27 am

My first husband and I lost our son and our marriage never recovered. It's true the marriage was probably not that strong to begin with and we certainly had lots of other struggles. I think the loss of a child changes your ability to keep trying and it changes your focus. It just changes you! When it changes both of you the chances of the relationship surviving in significantly impacted. We both remarried eventually and life goes on. I love your 10 Rules Every Marriage Should Live by and I'm pretty sure we will discuss this and start implementing some if not all of the idea. I understand your concept of the bubble, however I would be concerned about what was said. It's kind of like a therapist you can say anything you want, but there is a line you can't cross. I think the free for all concept would concern me.

suzy

6/13/2014 02:34:14 pm

Hello,
I am mrs suzy martins from USA, i want to share a testimony of my life to every one. i was married to my husband morgan, i love him so much we have been married for 5 years now with two kids. when he went for a vacation to france he meant a lady called clara, he told me that he is no longer interested in the marriage any more. i was so confuse and seeking for help, i don't know what to do until I met my friend miss florida and told her about my problem. she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and introduce me to a man called prophet OSUJA who cast a spell on her ex and bring him back to her after 3days. Miss florida ask me to contact prophet osuja. I contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods of his fore-fathers will fight for me. He told me by three days he will re-unite me and my husband together. After three day my husband called and told me he is coming back to sought out things with me, I was so surprise when I saw him and he started crying for forgiveness. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth for what this great spell caster did for me and my husband, you can contact prophet OSUJA on any problem in this world, he is very nice, here is his contact prophetosuja@gmail.com, He is the best spell caster. call him on +2347035424002

tessa wojnar

2/20/2014 06:36:33 pm

I absolutely love this blog!! So oint. I love my fiance so much. All these rules have been unspoken in our relationship besides #8 which we just recently started to work on. I honestly think this one is the hardest since you have to think about that significant other in Those following years. To everyone who has lost a child and had problems in their marriage, i am so sorry for your loss. I have not myself lost a child, but I found my sister passed away at 2 months on fourth on July and I remember my whole famish changing to these almost zombies calling thru the motioblessed activities on a day to day basis. My parents separated 9 years later. I hope the pain guys easier on you and your loved ones.

So, I have birth to our son 13 wks early in the passenger seat of the truck on the way to the hospital and the nicu gave him 1% chance of living. Those 3 months were the hardest of our relationship. But we never forgot each other. I beloved that's society'a problem, hardship happens continuously.

Well anyways, #6 feedback pisses me off! It's not like "bitch, bend over" That is so feminist. Me and my babe have sex every night(I have 2 children and work as a cna for an adult senior and challenged adult center, where he works 70+ as a welder) we dont have a babysitter for "date night" and our social life takes up any free time together, but every night at bedtime we an effort to be there for each other. It comes down to your passion and your affection of love to that person. If it wasn't for those few long beloved nights, the "what if", and the hopeless romantic (that you want forever, that can still happen). With out a happy family, what other goals are worth achieving? Life takes over anyone, regardless of the situation. No family will work when the parents are on the outskirts! Appreciate one another and be affectionate forever and always.

P's. This being written by a female for her female partner is so freaking awesome. A same sex family is so much more complicated because there is no easy way to have a child or get married. Imagine the hardships and the determination to make their dream happen. Kudos.

STEPHANIE

4/15/2014 04:49:19 pm

THANKS TO GREAT DR OGUN FOR SOLVING MY PROBLEMS
I am stephanie, i base here in USA.since the death of my late husband,and everything was difficult for me and my business was bad.
I was just browsing through the internet and i saw series of testimonies of one particular Dr OGUN,the spell caster help them in various ways,Some people
testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he
restores womb, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and
so on. There was one particular testimony I saw,it was about a woman called
mrs ramirez,she testified about how Dr.OGUN brought her business back less
than 72 hours and at the end of her testimony she drop Dr.OGUN e-mail
address.After reading all these,I decided to give Dr OGUN a try. I contacted him
via email and explained my problem to him. In just 3 days after doing what he ask me to do,I started receiving contract both the known and the unknow person.
I am thinking him for making me a woman again and even happier as never before.You can contact him through lovespelltemplee@gmail.com

IF YOU ALSO NEED SOLUTION IN THE FOLLOWING PROBLEM,CONTACT HIM AS WELL.

1) If you want your ex back.
(2) if you always have bad dreams.
(3) You want to be promoted in your office.
(4) You want women/men to run after you.
(5) If you want a child.
(6) You want to be rich.
(7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be yours forever.
(8) If you need financial assistance.
(9) How you been scammed and you want to recover you lost money.
(10)if you want to stop your divorce.
(11)if you want to divorce your husband.
(12)if you want your wishes to be granted.
(13) Pregnancy spell to conceive baby
(14)Guarantee you win the troubling court cases & divorce no matter how what stage
(15)Stop your marriage or relationship from breaking apart.
once again the email address is lovespelltemplee@gmail.com contact him immediately.

Lanessa

5/9/2014 03:36:55 pm

"...I feel very lucky and blessed that testimonytemple@gmail.com were able to turn our marriage around like this with his spell. My husband used to spend as much time as he could away from home with other women. Since he cast the love spell on him, My husband is now so in love with me and its so funny that my husband had not go out for weeks now!"
--Ianessa, Portland

Laura Zamora

6/12/2014 01:41:08 pm

GOOGLE RECOMMENDED ME DR.UKAKA THE BEST SPELL CASTER IN THIS YEAR

Hello to every one out here, am here to share the unexpected miracle that happened to me three days ago, My name is Laura Zamora i live in United State,and I`m happily married to a lovely and caring husband,with two kids A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my husband so terrible that she took the case to court for a divorce he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he did not love me anymore So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband So i explained every thing to her,so she told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for her too So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow her advice. Then she gave me the email address of the spell caster whom she visited.(freedomlovespell@hotmail.com}, So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address she gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day what an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my husband who did not call me for the past seven {7}months,gave me a call to inform me that he was coming back So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and she apologized for her mistake,and for the pain she caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster . So, i will advice you out there to kindly visit the same website {freedomlovespell@hotmail.com},i f you are in any condition like this,or you have any problem related to "bringing your ex back. So thanks to Dr Ukaka for bringing back my husband,and brought great joy to my family once again.(freedomlovespell@hotmail.com}, Thanks..

6/13/2014 02:32:29 pm

Jessica S

1/6/2014 12:08:32 pm

OMG I love the bubble idea too going to start that one with my kids. And you're right on the money my dear, gay or straight these are great marital rules to live by.

Andrea Barnett

1/22/2014 11:42:03 pm

Loved this !! For the most part, this is my relationship. But I will be adding the bubble to our family and relationship. And the scheduling is a great idea, with a hectic life and busy kids. :)

Rebekah soon to be C.

1/23/2014 10:06:34 pm

My finance just passed this along to me. We are getting married in 3 months and after reading this, it's shown us what we are already doing right and a few things we need to work on as we enter this marriage. Thanks for sharing! Its nice to hear some one put the "rules" right out there so simply"

shane

1/24/2014 09:57:22 pm

Number six is where woman lose the interest of their man. We are humans, sex is a major thought in nearly every male brain. Dont deprive us.

Rachel

1/26/2014 03:11:44 pm

Sex is a major thought in every female brain as well. Men are no more deserving of pleasure than women. For a woman to not want constant sex is no reason to cheat.

Lisa

1/26/2014 03:18:32 pm

No married woman is obligated to fuck at command.

Krista

1/27/2014 10:37:53 pm

I agree with Rachel. There is never an acceptable reason to cheat. I enjoyed the blog, but when I got to number six It was obvious to me that this awesome blog was written by a male author. I totally agree that a healthy sex life is important mentally, physically, and even spiritually, but to portray a male as the first victim when he doesnt get to have sex with his wife is far fetched. It is also far fetched for this to be a an acceptable reason for the man to go out and cheat. Married couples took vows to be monogamous, and through better or worse, sickness, health, raising kids, working late, or just plain not in the mood, this should be remembered above all. What kind of marriage would it be if the underlying foundation of ones marriage was "yeah babe we're gonna make this marriage last for a real long time as long as you give it up when I want it... cause if you dont then Regardless of our vows Im probably gonna look elsewhere". Unconditional loyalty across the board is how its supposed to be period. To portray it in any other light is a misconception.

tara

1/27/2014 10:41:26 pm

What Lisa said. In the culture we live in it would be hove bloggers and marital "experts" to stop instructing people to have sex whether they want to or not. It reduces it down to a duty and makes the act purely physical. You are not victimized by monogamy. You can prioritize sex as part of the marriage but if your other elements are in play the sex will be there. You don't force sex in hopes of fixing the things underneath it. The focus of this area in marriage is all wrong.

Liz

1/28/2014 01:12:02 am

I absolutely agree Rachel. Stating this is grounds to cheat on anyone is beyond sickening to me. This is not any different than a woman stating it's OK for her to cheat on her husband because she has things in the relationship not being met. I can't believe it would even be suggested that the husband is a "victim." Could it be because she does everything from working, taking care of household chores, and raising kids? And maybe is just beyond drained at the end of the day but he gets to be the victim?

I absolutely agree on making the time to be together but to cheapen the idea of a woman being a victim due to her husband cheating on her?! How is she not a victim? You don't just get to go off and cheat on your wife/husband because you are not happy with something in your marriage. Maybe she wants it just as bad as him but her needs are not being met by him but she has to satisfy him at a drop of a hat? When you take marriage vows there are no "but if you do/don't do this I get to cheat on you." In any healthy marriage you make things work ... even if that means grabbing that person by the face and saying "I need some more lovin!"

#6 topic could have been an excellent top if it had left some things out that shouldn't have been included.

Paul

1/28/2014 02:35:19 am

I think this reply and comment string on six is taking it a step too far and you read it a bit shallowly to assume the guy comes home and is like "bend over, its sex time". You are right and, as a guy obviously, we understand that hey. Maybe tonights not a good night, maybe we can try another night. The author is talking about being a relationship where the sex drive is small to none between people and expecting anyone to stay committed to a physically loveless relationship is why a person might seek elsewhere. This is true for men AND women, this is by no means a mans only rule.

1/28/2014 03:21:33 am

For all of you that commented on this particular point Rachel made...first of all I AM THE AUTHOR of this blog and I am NOT a man, I'm a woman. However, in all fairness, I'm also married to a woman as well. Being married to a woman is a LOT differenet than being married to a man. Sex is obviously different. And the feelings about sex are different. I wasn't saying you should FORCE YOURSELF in a way that you're all taking it. You're being extreme.

I was making the point that for many married couples that STILL ENJOY SEX with one another, often times "life" gets in the way, kids and obligations and "stuff" and sometimes you just have to schedule it out and MAKE it happen. Sometimes we get busy and forget that at the core of this family are two adults that dedicated their lives to one another. We have to remember to spend time AS that. Gay or straight, couples need to make time for one another.

Listen, if you're having a sex with a man that sucks in bed, I think that's your fault. You should be more honest, you should talk to him and teach and him and tell him. It is YOUR responsibility as his committed wife! If you have NO desire to have sex with your husband and he wants it, it needs to be discussed, not ignored. This is what's wrong with porn if you ask me. It gives men this ridiculous idea of what woman want and it is YOUR job to dispel that.

Second, our lives are all about our own personal experiences. I wrote that line about your husband cheating because I have a great friend who has parents that have this issue. HE is incredible, she's really needy and gossipy and just has a yucky personality. He has been faithful to her for 30+ years and she told us that she only alllows him to have sex with her on holidays. I think that's awful. She uses it as control and NEVER gives it up and I think he's going to eventually realize, even after all of this time, how much BS that is and probably cheat. Lots of woman use sex as control and don't ever even have sex. It's pathetic to me.

Jamie

1/28/2014 11:31:42 pm

Whoah! Wait just a sec.. I must be a hot blooded woman because I love Rule #6 Making sure you realize that I need my pleasures and don't want to do without.. wouldn't it be so nice to have my husband "fuck" me on command as you so elequently put it Lisa. I don't want to be deprived either and sex is a very important piece of the relationship. I honestly thought this was put together by a woman more like me..

shannon

1/28/2014 11:38:16 pm

Thank u for recognizing that!!!

Kelly

1/29/2014 12:33:51 am

For anyone who has been married a long time and/or is familiar with the difference between what is important to MOST women versus what is important to MOST men (Kristy obviously knows this information), #6 is spot on. It is NO SECRET that a man's libido (depending on age) is typically more active than a woman's following the honeymoon period. Unfortunately, I can count the number of men who DO NOT cheat on one hand where sex is minimal/nonexistent. Having lived through these issues, this particular recommendation is probably one of the most important. If you don't agree, deny your spouse sex and see where it leads! Don't be naïve...

Claire

1/29/2014 05:16:00 am

If your not giving your partner sex at home why wouldn't they start looking elsewhere, I agree 100% that this is a major cause for cheating and I am a woman who cheated because I never got what I was requiring at home and guess what since I fucked someone else he now gives it to me more often

jessa

1/30/2014 10:19:01 pm

For Krista...lol the author is a woman!!! A reality check may be something you're not use to but I'm pretty sure assumptions were covered in the above article! Giggle. And to say there's never a reason to cheat or that there is no excuse, is being a tad bold. I'm not saying it's acceptable, but I came close once and left because I was that close. I went untouched for a couple years and waited in bed while the man i loved jacked off in the bathroom while on the internet. I felt ugly and unwanted. It was the worst relationship of my life. I knew there was something mentally unstable when it came to sex and this man. I was desperate to see if I was still "want-able" but I insisted on staying sad and suicidal. Had I gone out and had confirmation right away that there was a line of people waiting to take the boyfriend's place and treat me like a queen, maybe I would have cheated. I regret how long it took me to leave and gain my self respect back. But I no longer say there is no reason to cheat. Human nature will always conquer. Men will seek love elsewhere if they feel they're not ABLE to get it at home. Same goes for women, come to find out. If you don't give it up to your husband, check his computer/ phone. It's called survival mode. And if there's no evidence of any cheating or anything else then check his pulse because you may have killed him! I'm only shedding a little more light on the subject because I have seen the other side of it and now I understand so much more that vows won't stop some of the most loyal men and women when it comes to feeling loved. This author put it all together in a grammatical symphony easy enough for anyone to understand and for that I am grateful. I hope I didn't offend Kristy or anyone else.

Johnny G

1/31/2014 03:58:57 am

#6 is true...

But it's not like if you don't bang on command the other will leave...The author is talking about using sex and a bargaining chip but when demands are complied with the chip is off the table. This will guarantee someone to cheat on or divorce you.

If you do not feel or want to have sex with your partner when they initiate a situation to have sex...provide the reason and talk about it...

communication is key and the foundation

Do not make up a bs excuse and lie to keep putting it off...If there really is a long term issue with not having sex with your partner talk about it....because supply and demand doesn't care if you are married...

One will only cheat because you: a) used it as leverage, but never come through on it. b) you aren't being truthfully about why you don't put out.

there was a period of about a year where my wife and I didn't have sex....we talked about it and it was because she is very insecure with her body and developed depression (this is after 5 years of great sex).

She went on medication and saw a therapist...She had this deep fear of being looked down upon because she didn't go to college....I stuck by her side, she quit her job and went back to school....

Overtime she became more fulfilled and confidant with herself. Now we have sex again...It was hard to not have sex for a year but as long as you understand why or why not there is still love and respect; if you have those two things the sex will follow

Mel

1/31/2014 08:08:28 am

Withholding sex is actually a form of abuse. Look it up if you think I'm nuts. Again, not going to 'extremes' here, I'm not saying anyone should "fuck on command" as another poster put it. But using sex as a tool of manipulation and/or withholding it just because you can I'd abusive and very emotionally and psychologically damaging to your partner. If you never want to have sex with your partner, you really should be asking yourself why.

Jason

2/1/2014 03:03:32 am

This whole list is about avoiding one thing: the systematic ways in which we can undermine our relationships and alternate our partners. If you deny the legitimacy of your partners sexual desires, if you refuse to to accept that sex is a need, and like any need it can endure through some lean times but it cannot survive starvation, then you are undermining your relationship and alienating your partner.

You don't have to completely subordinate yourself to your partners desires (and you should not), but you have to participate, or you've dealt damage to your relationship.

All relationships endure some form of damage at one time or another from this sort of thing, it's the nature of sharing your life with another person that both of you will, at one time or another, not be the prefect partner. Dealing with damage isn't an acceptable excuse to cheat. But the more damage builds up over time without repair, the weaker the commitment becomes, and one of 3 outcomes will happen:
a) divorce (escape)
b) complete emotional withdrawal (escape)
c) cheating (escape)

You do marriage a disservice by picking out one particular element of the issue and treating it as the whole thing.

Eolra

2/1/2014 04:21:07 am

I think the thing that annoys me about #6 is not the point that withholding sex can lead to you and your partner becoming estranged, but that it insinuates that only women withhold, or lose interest in sex. By writing it in a way that is so gender specific, it seems accusatory towards women specifically. Men lose interest in sex too, and, with the rise in internet porn addiction, it is becoming startlingly, increasingly common. The breakdown of a sexlife is not always the woman's fault. I feel like, in an article that gives several good pieces of relationship advice, #6 was carelessly written - blaming one gender over the other.

2/1/2014 04:27:05 am

Whoops, smart phone, if it's not clear, alternate=alienate

2/1/2014 01:18:40 pm

I agree that there is no acceptable time to cheat but I think that you are missing the point. Whether you are male or female if you are feeling unwanted in the bedroom, your eye starts to wonder ( I have to say that I never strayed from my marriage) but when someone makes a compliment or acknowledge's you it feels good, makes you feel good, but then it is up to you to make that choice on how much that compliment actually meant to you. Me, well marriage is for the long haul and believe me it has not been easy.
I found this blog to be great and forward it to my husband not just for him but also I found it very fitting for me also

brooke

1/28/2014 01:08:34 am

Definitely works both ways!

1/28/2014 11:53:49 pm

Hah! Was wrote by a woman more like me! <3 Also wanted to add, in my previous comment I made the statement "wouldn't it be nice to have my husband "fuck" me on command"...... That man ROCKS my world! Whenever I want! I am a very lucky woman and as far as it being used for control... that is just GROSS! I can't always get over being angry so fast and I understand that my husband can deal with the same thing but, sex should be set away from all that.. I've threatened him before.. "Don't mess with my lovins! It's just not right." He picks on me that he will just go to sleep..I tell him "Go on then and hurry because I'm still going to get what I want! So if you wake up and can't breath don't be alarmed." I aint even playing.. Luckily he loves me so much and the seed I planted about sex being separate from our arguments or fights has taken hold. I absolutely love this Kristy! Everything about it! Thank you ma'am! I'm sure my son and his wonderful "soon to be husband" will appreciate and learn from this too! <3 <3

Kim

1/29/2014 12:25:42 am

Rule #6! the contentious one on our marriage! I am the woman. My husband is the one that it "too tired" "too stressed" "too whatever". It is so funny to me that people assume the "MAN" is the hot blooded one!

Everyone in the marriage should GIVE IT UP when it is nicely asked for. Damanded, of course not! You are in a mutually wanted relationship, I assume.

Just saying: Women want it, too!

Utahgal53 link

1/29/2014 12:18:31 am

Don't deprive the male species? I know many woman who are deprived by they spouses sexually on a daily basis. It is not a one way street and this is not about the lion in the jungle. Two people together both with needs...

Candice

1/29/2014 05:50:51 am

When my husband and I first got married I was on him like butter on hot toast!! He'd actually have to send me away I wanted it so much. lol Now it's the other way around. He works hard at his job but I work 24/7 at home with 3 special needs kids, the house, financial responsibility and I'm his sounding board when he gets home from work. I'm tired, stressed and frankly, when I'm treated like a living sex toy I'm more inclined to say fuck off than fuck on. I've told him on many, many occasions that I need to connect in order for him to connect but it doesn't seem to sink in very much. So I keep repeating myself AND I've put reminders in places he can't miss them. lol To say that because I "withhold" sex is reason for him to cheat without blame is ludicrous! I would never cheat on him whether he gives me affection or not. If I was THAT unhappy I'd leave. NOT break our trust and cheat.

Jerusha

1/31/2014 09:00:33 am

women aren't the only ones who say no, and men aren't the only ones deprived when they don't get sex. It also works the other way as well. but i also agree with the ones who say it can't be a set requirement or it loses it's magic/power......you have to find an acceptable middle ground.

helen

2/4/2014 02:58:33 pm

Candice, you provided an excellent illustration of what often happens with couples once kids are added to the equation. Moms are often exhausted by the time the kids are in bed, and let's face it, good sex takes some effort-we're often spent way before bedtime. It's also important to be open and discuss some real issues which effect libido. Many men don't know that for at least a year after childbirth, a woman's libido is switched off. This is nature's way of preventing pregancies from occurring too close together, which is not good for Mother or child. Many medications decrease desire and/or performance. Depression, illness, etc. But, too often by the time a couple has sought help, the sex has become a bone of contention (no pun intended), and resentments abound.

Getting too long-winded, sorry. I objected to the language of #6, but not the spirit. To suggest we have sex even if we don't want to, can be problematic, especially for women who have any history of sexual trauma. Remember, with current estimates being that 1 in 3 girls experience some form of sexual abuse (1 in 6 boys), and I'm not including all the forms of "rape" as we become teens and adults, this is actually a very common and problematic dynamic between couples.

I am sorta focusing on the disparity in desire being "husband wants more sex than wife", but it does happen the other way around, just not as much. Thus may be due to testosterone levels, but don't forget to make sure we are attending to our partner's emotional needs, treating each other with respect, being sensitive to above mentioned physical and psychological issues, etc.

Here's a tip for men who have been experiencing long dry spells and are confounded. Chances are, by now you and she have a choreographed "dance". Could involve dropping hints, begging, heavy sighs, berating (please don't), avoidance, excuses, etc. She may even shy or pull-away from your touch. That hurts-I know. But, true intimacy isn't really about sex, and when it occurs, can re-ignite the flame. Try taking sex off the table for 2 weeks-that means no asking,begging, implying, etc. Listen to her, try to convey an understanding of how she's feeling, even if you don't. Compliment her and appreciate-openly-what she does, who she is. Above all, pick up a broom and help out. Let her know that she can start to touch you-a hand on your leg, holding hands, head on your chest, whatever-and it will not lead to sex right now. My hunch is that overtime, you have jumped at any opportunity and misread those little contacts. She has stopped wanting to be close physically because it always led to the dance for sex. Let her know that you love being with her, even if there is no sex (what if she has an accident and can no longer have sex-gonna dump her?). You see, women want to be desired, but not seen as merely sex objects. Let's see, I have to clean, cook, bear and raise children, possibly maintain a career, laugh at your jokes, and satisfy your sexual needs at your command? Does not sound like a job I would want. Try the intimacy without sex for 2 weeks, don't be an asshole, help out, listen to her, cuddle....and see what happens. Good luck!

2/6/2014 12:58:42 pm

Helen, I hope you read this because you are SPOT on. I never understood it myself. I knew he felt hurt by my pulling away but I didn't know why I was. You nailed it. I'm actually crying right now, you nailed it so perfectly. He doesn't read "this stuff" so I'm just going to take your suggestion and offer it to him. 2 weeks knowing that if I touch him it won't lead to something I can't follow through on. THAT'S why I stopped touching him! Every time he'd think, "yay! I'm gettin' some!" and I'd have to say no... can't you just hold me? and he'd get pissed off, lay there for a moment and then go play video games. I WANT to be able to touch him. I WANT to want to have sex with him. I love my husband deeply but sex... it's just beyond me when it's all that every offered. Thank you. I can't thank you enough for you replying. This could change everything... pray that he listens...

angel88

2/1/2014 04:21:10 am

men are not the only ones who r deprived in that way

Brooke

2/1/2014 10:20:52 am

I agree that it's unreasonable to never give up sex and expect a monogamous relationship. At the same time, I still don't think it justifies cheating. If lack of sex is an issue in your marriage, you talk about it, figure out why you're not having sex, see if there is an amicable option for everyone involved, and decide if it's one of your dealbreakers. You don't cheat.

2/4/2014 02:51:00 pm

Agreed Brooke! That is an excuse many men use and can also be used as a threat. Look how many men (or women) cheat who ARE having sex regularly at home. We all know how to get sexual release by ourselves, don't we? That's why God gave men opposable thumbs. ;)

Annie B

2/1/2014 11:31:23 am

Maybe I will figure out some day why my husband was the exception and told me he didn't want to have sex any more.

kim

2/3/2014 10:59:23 pm

Actually, don't always assume that it's the woman that is holding back. My significant other is usually the one turning down sex and I often feel like I'm deprived in that area. I think that scheduling would make it a lot easier on both of us.

Shannon

2/7/2014 06:38:49 am

I don't like the implication that men are the ones being deprived. I know plenty of women who would like more sex from their husband and are not getting it. I think the author makes a wonderful point by simply saying that both spouses need to be open and talk about their needs and wants in bed. The more sex you have together with your spouse, the more sex that both of you continue to want from each other. I understand that "life" happens as we get older and have children... but making time for sex is important for men and women. Not just men.

andrea link

1/25/2014 07:23:45 am

Omg this is the best thing i have ever read.. i really hope my husband will read and tak some notes cuz hes like your wifes ex.. crossing my fingers and sending it his way!!!

Tennley Powell

1/26/2014 12:08:58 am

I love both my mommies! I'm not here on earth yet, but when I am, my two beautiful mommies will make it through all the good and hard times...without them I wouldn't be a thought...I love u mommy and am looking forward to being in this life!

Stacye Lane Wilson

1/26/2014 01:01:23 am

Great Rules, I love the BUBBLE, have tried to use it, just didn't have a name for it!

Carrie Davis

1/26/2014 03:26:34 am

Kristy I can't say thanks enough for this. My fiance just forwarded it to me. We love it and read it together (twice actually). Great rules for us to live by. Kind of surprised that no one has ever published something like this before. Thank you. We will definitely be using this for our marriage. God bless you.

Marcus

1/27/2014 10:17:41 pm

Actually some version of this, especially the appalling #6 has been around for years. It looks like OP just added "gays and straight" to timeless drivel that's been regurgitated over many years. While I agree-ish with most of it, #6 i pretty appalling. As said upthread "N o woman is obligated to fuck on command."

Additionally, #6 puts the onus of the sex having on the woman. It's not just women that don't want to have sex, you know.

Michael

1/27/2014 11:45:10 pm

The entirely random 'gay or straight' thing is pretty funny. You could just say 'any marriage' or 'any marriage, gay or straight' in the title and leave it at that. It just haphazardly throws in gay or straight, like a gay person is going to be reading this and just forget on number 5 that all of this applies to them. I CAN HAVE SEX??? WHAT???

2/1/2014 05:21:11 am

You do realize that the author is a gay woman, right? Does that add a little perspective to your criticisms?

Anonymous

1/26/2014 05:14:50 am

Love the bubble idea. I told my husband we needed to start using it and he said I was too sensitive but I'm going to try it. Thanks for this article Kristy. You're always entertaining to me.

Neil

2/3/2014 02:40:58 am

Maybe I am reading too much into the comment, however while I whole heartedly agree with the concept of the bubble and being able to ask or say things without consequence, I would suggest the "bubbler" (as opposed to the "bubblee") still should be respectful. If your husband says, "You're too sensitive". Maybe you are, however he can't use the bubble to utter malicious, dispectful comments.....or am I reading between the lines too much?
Any thoughts?

Desere

1/26/2014 06:09:28 am

I cannot say thank you enough for this post. I LOVE that you wrote these rules down. Just gave them to my fiance to read and he passed them on his Facebook page too. We love them. LOVE the Bubble idea and you're asbolutely right about the D word. Great rules to live by.

Anon

1/26/2014 09:30:36 am

I've taken this whole article to heart, but there are two things that I have a bit of trouble with.

The first is #6. While I love sex just as much as the next person, I think there needs to be a bit of love and understanding included with this. There should be communication about why it's not happening, not just giving in and doing it for the sake of doing it. In my opinion, it only cheapens the act.

The second, which was touched on in #5, is the need for expressions of love and admiration. What do you do to show them that you still love them? I've dated men in the past who only knew how to express love and affection in one or two ways (more often then not it was purely physical), and it got old fast.

Kristy Sinsara link

1/26/2014 10:33:38 am

Hi Anon. Thanks for your comments. First, I agree obviously that sex should be more than just the act of sex. What I was trying to say is that for many married couples with kids, like us, we WANT to have sex, talk about it and think about it but never find the time and in THOSE moments you just have to schedule it and stick to it. The more you have sex, the more you have sex.

Second, regarding showing love and affection to your partner I personally do it in a variety of ways. The one she appreciates is me just telling her "thank you" for things we often forget to say thank you for. As I am typing this now I can hear the vaccuum cleaner running downstairs...and it's not the kids ; ) cleaning. She keeps our house super neat and I buy her flowers to accent the clean rooms, we all tell her thank you as often as we can and when we are around friends at dinners or something I"ll even thank her there in front of everyone. It makes her feel special.

Natalie

1/29/2014 03:01:31 am

Kristy Sinsara-
Thank you for this article. Seeing "gay or straight" had absolutly nothing to do with me reading it or not. AJ and others that feel that way are sad people. I am not married but felt this entire article is worth saving and re-reading when that time comes. So again, THANK YOU! I appreciated it very much!
Peace & LOVE

1/26/2014 10:37:03 am

I just asked Tina what the number one way was that I made her feel special and she said "hands down" it's because I'm always reminding the kids of how "special" she is to us all. And there you have it....

You should all go ask your partners, spouses, wives, husbands, right now...what do you do that makes them feel the most special...and then do THAT more! ; )

Rox

1/30/2014 10:35:34 am

Now THAT should be a rule. Knowing what makes your spouse feel loved is half the battle. You can buy all the flowers in the world but it might not mean as much as one hug.

Christi E

1/26/2014 03:23:15 pm

Love these rules. thanks for the share.

chloe

1/26/2014 10:57:10 pm

Love this, I have a phrase. Posted on my refrigerator for years now " it's not a lack of Love, but a lack of friendship and honesty that makes unhappy marriages" One thing I think was missed here but could fall under checking anger at the door, I never dissed my husband to friends and I don't mean petty stuff but I have friends that tell things they should never discuss outside their own walls.

Sam

1/27/2014 02:23:45 am

You forgot the part of men that refuse to sleep with their wives or partners. It goes both ways and both sexes have to deal with this issue. Everyone's sexual drives are different.

1/27/2014 04:54:40 am

Hoenstly I didn't realize this is an issue? There are MEN that refuse to have sex with their wives? Seriously? Who? WHYYYYY???

Glenn

1/28/2014 04:42:29 am

Yes, there are guys like that. I have one who simply refuses to come to bed at an hour that would facilitate sex.

But I think you also missed the factor of why someone is not wanting sex. Is it perhaps painful? If so, it ain't happening.

Anonymous Husband

1/29/2014 06:58:11 am

I think there are a few reasons why men (like myself) don't ask for it:

1. Sex has been used in prior relationships as a form of control and we have manage our urges to not let someone take advantage of us.

2. Our significant other is really negative (nagging, complaining all the time etc.)

3. Society teaching guys that rape can be a grey area. Instilling the fear of the law on males at a young age, conditioning them to not crave it and to not be aggressive in seeking it.

Amy

1/29/2014 10:22:24 pm

I have to say that years ago with my ex fiancé he actually only wanted it like twice a month. I kept on asking him what was wrong. He could really tell me what was wrong. I was with him for 6 years and he lived with me for 5. I personally believe when a man doesn't want you physically it's because there is someone else in their lives. Same for most women if they aren't giving it up its because there is someone else or others. They just stay with the ones they are with because of a certain comfort zone that is there.

dg101

1/30/2014 06:09:47 am

I used to have this issue. We never had any birth control around, and we disagreed on whether we should have children. And the looming threat of getting her pregnant completely killed my sex drive. I never was able to get in the mood after that honeymoon period. We eventually worked things out and we're fine now, but for about a year, she had to coerce me in to sex.

Rebel

1/31/2014 09:40:58 pm

I am inclined to agree with your question Kristy. As all people know sex is an animal instinct that we are born with. As I have read somewhere over the years it is generally a stronger instinct in a male than a female. But never the less it is an animal instinct in us both. For a man to be denying his woman is just denying is own instincts. I can't speak on how a woman reacts to this animal instinct but I do know they have it to. I will say that a man that denies his significant other this important part of the relationship he is only denying himself.

Allison

1/31/2014 11:48:12 pm

My husband and I still greatly enjoy sex with one another. We have a friend who has been with someone for 10 years, and spent the last 5 not having any sex with her because she refused. It almost killed their relationship. So my husband and I have talked about it at length. Unfortunately, talking about it and agreeing to have it don't always lead to actually having it. My husband is 10 years older than I am, and has a libido that is a bit less raging than mine. I'd have sex every day if i could get it. So while we both know that sex is important to us, we have it far less frequently than I would lik, because he just doesn't want it often. Is it frustrating? Sometimes. Will it drive me to cheat? No. If I'm ever that unhappy, I'd rather leave. But I don't envision it getting to that. He knows how I feel, and keeps me supplied with enough items that I can enjoy alone for the nights I want it and he doesn't.

Sara

2/1/2014 04:41:16 am

yes, it happens :( I know first had cause he's a workaholic
He never has time, or too tired.
My sex drive increased tremendously and it seems like his decreased.

Sheri

2/1/2014 10:05:06 pm

My ex husband got so into porn he stopped being into me. Sad part was that he loved and still loves me. Laying in bed lonely night after night, waiting for sleep to come, while he "checked his email" until the wee hours of the night killed something in my. First it was my self esteem, then my tolerance for his other flaws and eventually my ability to desire him or the marriage anymore.

Amber

1/28/2014 01:56:34 pm

I agree with it not always being the woman not wanting sex. In our earlier years, we were on it like crazy but time changes people, and being that my husband is a decade older than I am, his started to wane. But we've cultivated a friendship and openness to the point that I addressed it, and we fixed it. Couples that communicate well can usually work it out, in one way or another.

Jane

1/27/2014 04:04:41 am

I have to respectfully disagree in totality with #6. I was with a man that didn't appreciate me, thank me, do things for me, etc. His inability to treat me the way a wife should be treated made me not feel sexually attracted to him, especially since he was the kind of man that preferred to sit back and have me do all the work ALL THE TIME! A very selfish and self-centered individual. Of the almost 10 years with him, I can count on one hand the number of real orgasms I had with him. Needless to say, a therapist told me that in order to get my "spark" back for him I had to force myself to have sex with him. So I did. Four times a week for well over a year. And it did absolutely nothing but make me feel worse about myself. I lost my self esteem. I questioned what was wrong with me, not ever with him, because there had to be something wrong with me for me to feel this way. In all honesty, I felt like an unpaid whore and I never enjoyed one single moment of it! If many other things are wrong in a marriage, advising someone to force themselves to have sex with their partner is just about the worst advice anyone - professional or not - can give.

1/27/2014 04:49:54 am

Jane, I have to be honest and tell you that if you're having sex with someone and NOT having orgasms it's just as much YOUR fault. Honestly, you should be going into that with more honesty. Sex isn't about fulfilling ONE person's needs. This is the problem with most women and men. ALL of my friends that are married to men tell me about how they are the BEST at faking orgasms lol and I just wonder WHY? Why fake it? Just be honest with him and say "listen, here's the deal...I honestly can't stand having sex with you because I get NOTHING out of it, you need to learn to be a better lover FOR me too". SHOW him, tell him, teach him. Guys are stupid and think that what they see in porn is real. YOU HAVE TO TEACH THEM what's real!

1/27/2014 10:50:26 pm

very well stated. Communication is definitely everything in this area, and each should definitely be giving and receiving pleasure mutually.

1/28/2014 02:35:20 am

It's a myth that all women have the capability to orgasm, they don't. A vast majority of women can never orgasm. About 75 percent of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone and 10 to 15 percent never climax under any circumstances. This is what the research tells us. It's not the woman's "fault" either, much of it is biological (not her fault at all) and some of it is psychological (combination of relationship factors, depression, anxiety and other issues interfering with sexuality)…it's much more complicated underneath the surface. To patently blame a woman point black that it's her "fault" she can't orgasm is not only shameful and rude but doesn't make her feel any better about herself. Want to help her? Make her feel better about herself and encourage her, she obviously has been through a lot. Shaming her isn't helpful. And go check the research out on the female orgasm…fascinating stuff.

Dudlyne

1/29/2014 04:29:34 pm

i think ppl are failing to realize that you are not referring to someone forcing themselves to have sex with someone they don't want to have sex with. This is about deliberately making sure you make the time and effort to have sex regardless of how busy your life is. This is applying to healthy and happy couples who want to have sex with each other and forget to prioritize it. When you get use to not doing it then you get used to not desiring it until it stops all together or only happens on special occasions. But the point she is making is be deliberate in making it happen. The more sex you have, the more you will want it.

This is not about either spouse being a sex slave to the other. If there are legitimate problems in the relationship that make you not want to have sex then that should definitely be addressed. You aren't going to want to have sex with someone who treats you like crap or is abusive. Deal with that part first so that you even actually want to have sex, then you can worry about the ACTUAL point of #6 of making time for it.

Required Name link

1/31/2014 01:57:41 am

Yeah, it's allll my fault I was molested and raped as a child and now as an adult it feels like being impaled and spiked on a rod that's been set on fire as opposed to orgasmic.

You also need to do some research. There are women (who aren't damaged like I am from sexual abuse) who do not orgasm from penis in vagina. Look up the word clitoris some time. You're a woman married to a woman. You BOTH should know this, jeez.

Jokerkles

2/2/2014 02:23:09 pm

I would object to the use of the term "stupid", though I agree with the premise that what men see in porn is what they think is real in a normal sex life. I think a better choice of adjective to describe men (and yes, I'm a man, and I know that 10 years ago I would have been one of the more ignorant men on the face of the planet, considering at that point I'd never actually HAD sex) would be either "ignorant" (and I use the term in the sense of completely uninformed or uneducated, not as it's used today as a form of berating others) or "misinformed".

What most people don't realize about much of the porn industry is that it's not about the sex, but about the domination of one partner by the other (or in some cases, one group by another group). Yes there is some where the romance is the focus, but it's fading into the sunset faster each day. And while domination role-playing can be fun in the right setting, it has no place of permanence in a marriage, and definitely NOT in the bedroom. If you take the time to get to know your partner AND their body, and allow them the same privilege, oftentimes communication and sex will go hand-in-hand., and then you will have a true partnership. (Make no mistake, this is no hard-and-fast formula for marriage and/or sexual success, since each and every marriage is different. I prefer to think of it as a guideline myself.)

You are correct in that the lines of communication need to be open, even (and especially) in the bedroom. If I hadn't taken the time to convince my wife to open up to me about what was holding her back (and vice versa, for full disclosure), I would not be in a marriage that's as strong as this one. We've weathered some pretty hard storms in our life, and we both know that there's more to come; so by starting our lines of communication in the bedroom, we've been able to expand that to all parts of our married life. We're lucky, since not a lot of our married friends have been able to do this, and we've seen our fair share of divorces happen in our tight-knit group of friends.

The only thing I can think of that would prevent a couple from being able to share openly would be pride (and perhaps mental abuse, though that's a can of worms I'm not opening here). I'm not saying be proud of yourself, since everyone needs to be proud of themselves; rather, don't let that pride go to your head and become an ego. When communication is open, pride won't figure into the puzzle of life, because it doesn't fit. Humility (not humiliation, there is a difference) is often the key to successful communication, and by reason of association, is oftentimes the key to a fulfilling sex life, at least from my experience. And watching porn (especially the harder varieties) will oftentimes undermine that humility and create the unreal expectations in the bedroom, which is why I prefer to stay away from porn altogether. And I will lump in magazines like Cosmo and Vogue in with porn because of the articles contained therein which tout the idea of "having perfect sex if you follow this formula". (Yes, I know it's tarring and feathering them with the same brush, and a little extreme, but I'm saying it anyways because it's a form of literary porn.)

And sometimes taking a break from sex for a specified period of time (while hard on one and sometimes both partners) can lead to better sex, though I don't recommend it unless it's to help work out a problem in the marriage. Trust me, you don't want to be working through something AND dealing with bad sex in bed at the same time. <insert reference to communication here>

Other than that, kudos on a well-written and insightful article.

Sandy

4/5/2014 10:03:50 am

Kristy, I think you're going to have to realize that you've only experienced one good marriage and zero bad ones. You are ignoring what so many are trying to say here. I don't think it's just a matter of bad sex from a partner that these comments are about. It is sometimes about a relationship devoid of kindness, affection, consideration, friendliness, respect, and so forth in ALL areas of the relationship; which makes a person feel unwilling to participate in sex. They can even feel raped, coerced, or used when they do participate. Yes, this kind of person is what I sometimes call "wham, bam, thank you Mam or Sir" but to put the blame on the partner for not attempting to "teach" that unwilling participant to participate in the rest of the marriage is asking them to do a job for a marriage counselor, not a disrespected and neglected spouse. I think many of your suggestions are about how to make a good marriage better or a passable marriage good, they are not about making an abysmal marriage tolerable by scheduling sex. Sex without love, affection and consideration is just... an animal act which can feel degrading.
Been there and tried that and won't go there again. For me, respect for me and kindness to me creates passion way more than flowers or hollow compliments.

1/27/2014 10:46:39 pm

Jane... im sorry you had to feel that way. I feel the same way you do... sex is supposed to be an act of selflessness on both parts, especially within a lasting marital relationship.

chelsi

1/28/2014 04:30:13 am

Everyone is attacking #6 by making as if shes saying have sex with them even though they mistreat you and thats not it at all. If you dont want to sleep with your husband why are you still married?? Your excuses were he was mistreating you so you no longer were sexuall attracked to him. Well then sex isnt your problem!! I dont always want to have sex im tired i have 4 children. But my husband is the sexiest dam man on the planet and he is an amazing husband and i want him all the time. Im sexually attracked to his personality. Yet still i dont want to have sex all the time but even more so i want to make him happy and lets be honest if you tell a man well ok but im tired so hurry up we are talking 5 minutes of your day! The fact is you just didnt want to have sex with him because you didbt want to make him happy! Your marriage was over thats why you werent attracked to him!! Dont blame sex! My husband makes me happy sex makes him happy and when hes happy its more he wants to make me happy!! Men are simple creatures they need to physically feel love and women need to see and hear love!! Dont expent to see his love when hes spending all his energy loving himself in the bathroom after you go to sleep with your "headache"

Katherine

1/28/2014 08:48:44 am

Thank you, Chesli!

Jeez, I thought #6 was great. It wasn't pushed towards just women either. No one likes initiating sex and being told "Um.. not tonight." It sucks! Doesn't matter if you're male, female, gay or straight. NO ONE likes to be rejected.

Marriage, in general - not just sex, is about what you can do to make your partner happy. MARRIAGE IS NOT ABOUT YOU! It's about what you can do for your spouse and your family - what you can GIVE. Sex exemplifies that. It's about giving, not receiving. Your partner wants to please you too! So just let them know what you like and ASK WHAT THEY LIKE. It's not hard, people! And it's fun! It's also very important to your relationship because, again, it exemplifies the love you have for your partner.

And yes, you don't have to think your husband looks like Matthew Mcononaughey to be sexually attracted to him. You should think he's the sexiest because he takes care of you, takes care of your kids, and he makes you laugh and feel special. We all get older and we all get less attractive - whatever! But if you're no longer into your spouse AT ALL anymore - something ELSE is wrong. As Chelsi says, "Don't blame sex!"

Mary

2/1/2014 09:07:55 am

Amen! I've never heard truer words.

1/29/2014 02:45:43 pm

That is a very extreme interpretation of what I said here. I made an assumption of a general "desire" and "love" for sex with them...my message was to couples who generally still like, respect and enjoy sex...just often times get lost in the schedule of a hectic life.

I would agree with you wholeheartedly in this situation. I didn't address the issue of NOT liking your spouse at all or not being attracted to them or having an asshole as a spouse for that matter. That's not my case.

IN MY CASE my spouse and I have always enjoyed sex with one another...we sometimes just let life get in the way and have to remind ourselves to do it more, because we are always glad we did.

1/30/2014 02:54:52 am

I think lots of people are taking #6 the wrong way! First, I have been in an abusive relationship where sex was just one of the many issues. That is not what this #6 is applying too! Forced sex is abuse and should be one of those "deal breakers" you mentioned!

But now that I'm blessed to be in an amazing marriage (I'm a woman, married to a great man, not the a-hole mentioned above!) I fully agree with #6! Life with 2 kids leaves us both exhausted and it's "easier" to just say "not tonight I'm tired". It's like making an excuse not to go to the gym because you're too busy or too tired - eventually you stop going for months and before you know it your pants are tight & you lose your muscle mass etc. But if you "cave" and just go you feel so much better! And the more you go the more you want to go, because you feel so great every time! It starts a positive cycle... Same with sex in a marriage! And I have to add, on this note, that sex with your partner should never be used as a reward/punishment ("I'm mad at you, you're not getting any tonight!" or "If you do what I ask you might get lucky" etc) it's a form of control, of degrading the commitment and isn't really healthy for the relationship.

As a side note, if anyone is a "true" Christian they will be familiar with the saying "let he who has not sinned cast the first stone". It makes me sad when people use the name of Christ to persecute others. That is the complete opposite of what He taught and lived...

Thanks for a great article - may the two of you have a long happy life together!

1/30/2014 04:06:56 am

Its just amazing to me the denial of some people. Sexal attraction doesnt mean "horny". Sexual attraction is valuable in any relationship! And to say it isnt is a lie! Emotion may not be a physical concept but when it comes down to it its something that is expressed physically. When you no longer want to express love physically its because the love is no longer there! Being to busy and barrying the constant need to be touchy feely and kiss like hingry sucker fish is normal and somethinh you have to put in effort to keep. But to be discussed at the thought of your husband or wife Touching you then your problem didnt start in the bedroom. No one falls out of love because they are not attracked to you anymore, they are not attracked to you anymore because they are no longer in love with you! #6 was ment for people still in love if your offended by it your relationship has much larger issues!

Holly

1/30/2014 09:25:00 am

I agree completely and totally understand what you were getting at. I also agree with some of the other comments that men and women are equally likely to not feel like it or not initiate it, and it does not mean someone else is in the picture. Scheduling doesn't sound romantic but maybe it's something to try.

In response to the other comments, I agree that nobody should be forcing themselves to do something with their body they don't want to do, but that is different than making time for something you DO want to do. Also, as has been touched on, if you do not physically enjoy sex it's worth trying to work on that with your partner. Sometimes toys lube or sensation heightening creams can help. Or there may be some physical or hormonal issue getting in the way that can be remedied. All of this goes back to your "bubble" or creating a safe space to talk about needs.

My husband had a life threatening illness about a year into our relationship and underwent a lengthy hospital stay and chemo and radiation. Until that point, we were still in the honeymoon stage. This obviously brought an abrupt end to that. When he was "allowed" to have sex again after many months, it was painful initially and his medications reduced his drive. Uncomfortable as it was, we had to find ways to talk about that, and to talk about each of our needs and find ways to meet them while respecting each other's boundaries. Once things were really clear physically, we had adjusted so much to a different type of intimacy that it was hard to get back into the routine of sex. After a while, I bought a deck of sex "cards" and some not-scary toys to break the ice. We realized we had gotten a bit too far in the friend-intimacy zone and had to remind each other of the fact that sexual desire was part of our relationship. Just like anything else, your sexual dynamic ebbs and flows and evolves, and the most important thing is to maintain open and honest communication about it and not take anything for granted (including anyone's sexual satisfaction!).

JustMe

1/30/2014 03:01:06 am

It's so amazing the different views on the same blog contents. Everyone has their different circumstances. Everyone came from different childhoods and different relationships. I think the content was very good. I learned a couple of things - and it also made me be honest with myself about a couple things ... self evaluation is always good. I agree with you, Jane and I'm sorry you went through all that. I hope you now have your self esteem back and are stronger, and feel like the beautiful woman that I'm sure you are. Everyone's sex lives are different for their various reasons but if you are honest, can communicate and be able to laugh at yourself in a loving way, you're on the right track to a fulfilling sex life. Sex doesn't have to be serious each time...only to "get the job done." Adding some tickling and laughing is good too! Being able to be open and talk about what's good and what's not, and feeling respected while (either of ) you do, is what it's about. Get a spiral notebook for love letters and put it under the blanket on his/her side and then let them go to bed a few minutes before you so they can read it and hopefully, loving thoughts might start churning. Keep it all in one book, always hidden in one place, (accessible to each of you) where the kids can't reach it. And if they can, they're too old to be spending leisure time in your bedroom alone!! The 2nd time your partner finds the notebook upon pulling the covers away, believe me, if he/she is a loving partner, the excitement will start before they even open the book. At that moment, the anticipation will be awesome! Some people have feelings or desires that they can't verbally share. The notebook is great. And the "awkward I'm sorry's" can be added saying, "We need to talk about that." Women want men to be sensitive, strong, wise, lighthearted, etc. Unfortunately, it's up to them to *detect* (so learn to read each other) when to be which one. Practice being what your partner wants (as long as he/she respects the others' limits) and take your time in learning the 'other side' of your partner. I believe the word sex is interchangeable for "lovemaking." If you only have sex, you're greatly loosing out in a serious relationship. Oh. And show your partner this blog and encourage discussion. :) Thank you, Author, for putting this out there to read. It was nicely and respectfully done. Oh- regarding the "bubble." I understood the bubble to be a place to go into when you first start noticing there is something questionable or feel something is wrong and can freely ask. It's used to dispel anything questionable -because you want your marriage to remain strong and solid. Not a 'free pass' as some commented. Fix the problems before they become problems.

1/30/2014 03:03:02 am

Good blog -
It's so amazing the different views on the same blog contents. Everyone has their different circumstances. Everyone came from different childhoods and different relationships. I think the content was very good. I learned a couple of things - and it also made me be honest with myself about a couple things ... self evaluation is always good. I agree with you, Jane and I'm sorry you went through all that. I hope you now have your self esteem back and are stronger, and feel like the beautiful woman that I'm sure you are. Everyone's sex lives are different for their various reasons but if you are honest, can communicate and be able to laugh at yourself in a loving way, you're on the right track to a fulfilling sex life. Sex doesn't have to be serious each time...only to "get the job done." Adding some tickling and laughing is good too! Being able to be open and talk about what's good and what's not, and feeling respected while (either of ) you do, is what it's about. Get a spiral notebook for love letters and put it under the blanket on his/her side and then let them go to bed a few minutes before you so they can read it and hopefully, loving thoughts might start churning. Keep it all in one book, always hidden in one place, (accessible to each of you) where the kids can't reach it. And if they can, they're too old to be spending leisure time in your bedroom alone!! The 2nd time your partner finds the notebook upon pulling the covers away, believe me, if he/she is a loving partner, the excitement will start before they even open the book. At that moment, the anticipation will be awesome! Some people have feelings or desires that they can't verbally share. The notebook is great. And the "awkward I'm sorry's" can be added saying, "We need to talk about that." Women want men to be sensitive, strong, wise, lighthearted, etc. Unfortunately, it's up to them to *detect* (so learn to read each other) when to be which one. Practice being what your partner wants (as long as he/she respects the others' limits) and take your time in learning the 'other side' of your partner. I believe the word sex is interchangeable for "lovemaking." If you only have sex, you're greatly loosing out in a serious relationship. Oh. And show your partner this blog and encourage discussion. :) Thank you, Author, for putting this out there to read. It was nicely and respectfully done. Oh- regarding the "bubble." I understood the bubble to be a place to go into when you first start noticing there is something questionable or feel something is wrong and can freely ask. It's used to dispel anything questionable -because you want your marriage to remain strong and solid. Not a 'free pass' as some commented. Fix the problems before they become problems.

2/4/2014 04:50:39 am

Boy you said what I have been thinking. I feel used. Worse yet. I'm being told that I am supposedly being unfair because I haven't been tending to his needs. I HAD A Thriving lust before I got married and had a LOT of mistreatment. Ten years can allow for a Ton of time to say mean things. I'm starting to feel like it is a rent check because the longer we go without ....the more harsh the treatment. Best part is I'm supposed to feel like I'm not providing the degree of satisfaction he demands. Hilarious part is that he NEVER GOES FOR ROUND TWO. NEVER pleases me. Best part is that I have had several health issues over the years including delivery of a baby. And even given the Dr.recommend recommended rest to heal I get the "You're holding out you BIT**" Speach. Now I will admit there's definitely times for makeup sex but NO ONE SHOULD HAVE SEX UNLESS THEY WANT TO. It's ruining my libido.

debbie

1/27/2014 04:53:02 am

I think every man and woman should read this , married or getting married.

1/27/2014 04:53:53 am

Thanks Deb. LOL Me too ; )

1/27/2014 04:53:25 am

Jane, I would also add that if your partner doesn't care to be a better lover, that's a deal breaker ; ). Sorry! Game over. He loses! Next! Sex is a HUGE part of a relationship...and most women aren't "into it" only because their husbands suck at it. Guys don't actually want to be bad in bed...but I think it's OUR fault they are (and porns fault).

Brett J

1/27/2014 04:56:08 am

I agree with all of your rules. These are actually some of the things that led to my first marriage not working out and honestly a lot of the things that are keeping me and my wife together now going strong after ten years. Thanks for the article.

nick

1/27/2014 12:58:13 pm

So what this brakes down is be happy where you are have a strong comuication line. Talk about everything weather u want to or not. The other is to be your best friend and u should be able to tell all. Love what u have and not what u think might be better. Welcome to a great life with the one u love more than all.

1/27/2014 01:08:51 pm

Nick. Thanks for that breakdown. YES, lol, you're correct in all of that!

Renee

1/27/2014 09:59:40 pm

I absolutely am going to use the bubble! I have an 11 yr old and 7 yr old and although I like to think we are an "open" family as well, I want some reassurance that they will come to us regardless of the consequences they feel they may face when things get complicated as they grow older. My only question is about access to the bubble. you stated that it isn't always allowed. What did you use to determine access to the bubble? thanks :-)

1/28/2014 03:09:44 am

We use the bubble a lot. Actually the truth is LOGAN (our 12 year old) uses the bubble a lot. One time he and I were standing in the grocery store line and he looks at me and says "can I go into the bubble". I said NO CHANCE can you go into the bubble in the middle of the grocery store line. Wait until we're in the car!! He is kind of loud sometimes and I was really scared to think of what possibly could have popped into his head right in that moment. And I was right. It was SOMEONE he saw he had a question about.

We always give him "access" just sometimes not RIGHT THEN, make sense? Its' a free for all. Let me tell you. If you have kids, the BUBBLE is the answer. No consequence and you ALWAYS Know what's in their little heads. It's awesome.

Kimberly Bell

1/28/2014 01:58:10 am

I think what #6 is saying is to try it. Sometimes I am not in the mood, but my husband is incredibly sweet & thoughtful, and once we get into it, I never regret it. He helps me break put of my mental mindblock and I always end up having an great time, and we always feel closer as a couple after sex. There have been times that I just said no, but oftentimes sex breaks down barriers between us that I didn't even realize were there, and I am not advocating any woman play the martyr game. If your partner isn't pleasing you, figure out why. Learn together. But holding that part of yourself back from your partner is only hurting your relationship if this behavior continues. You must ask why...do you feel too vulnerable? Are you angry? Too tired? You might have a physical problem that requires a Dr. Appt or maybe you could both benefit from marriage counseling if it is an emotional issue. The author isn't condoning marital rape, just bringing up a problem & solution that is very common in most marriages.

1/28/2014 03:24:24 am

YES THANK YOU Kimberly Bell. LOLOL Thank you for being a voice of reason. I forget how "extreme" people can be sometimes. So dramatic!

I'm referring to couples that love each other and enjoy having sex....it's important to remember to make it happen, no matter how busy life gets. That's all. Geeze.

1/28/2014 08:52:59 am

Couldn't have said it better! Agree 100%!

Katy

1/31/2014 11:02:33 am

Kimberly - this is exactly me 100%. I am sometimes not in the mood, but he ALWAYS knows how to get me started, and I never regret it. I might fight and kick a little (not literally), but it's always a good time and leaves me wanting more. That is until the next day where we go through this all over again! My husband is very, very sweet as well and also knows when no means no with me.

My biggest problem is, and it could be others, was self esteem. About 5 years ago, I was in the best shape of my life. I lost 80 pounds and got down to 120 lbs and felt soooo good about myself! I initiated sex ALL THE TIME, we must have had sex 3 times a day and we had at that time, been together 15 years. But now the weight has creeped up again, I'm not interested in it.

But Bless my husband - he has stuck with my sexual problems for almost 20 years now and never cheated once. That is a true man.

2/1/2014 02:42:10 am

Katy, that could be my story! Only with mine it's overweight and overwhelmed. 3 special needs kids, the house, finances... Being overweight and having barely time to breath (never mind "prettify" myself!) I feel very unattractive. He doesn't show me I am in a way that I can appreciate (copping feels, ass slapping etc). I've been telling him forever that it's like sleeping with a stranger (he's a work-a-holic... not by choice but...). That I need affection and attention, help and understanding. He's slowly getting it... :) If he wants the old me back he needs to find his old him (he used to be attentive and understanding... things changed over the years...) We've been together for 15 years and I plan to be together for many more.

I get the point of #6... but really... there is no excuse for cheating. If it's so bad you need to cheat then leave.

2/1/2014 02:42:17 am

Rose

1/28/2014 04:20:51 am

Question about the bubble: Have you ever run into an issue with the No Consequences? I'm thinking about this in terms of using it with kiddos. Obviously, a lot of what is brought up may not call for any kind of consequence and it's simply a space for the child to feel comfortable speaking to their parent. I'm wondering about the times when something is brought up that may call for serious consequences (stealing, lying, bullying, etc). Thoughts?

1/28/2014 06:11:30 am

Great question Rose. We have had that happen ONCE, where Logan actually said something inside of the bubble where he otherwise would have received consequences. He used an extremely inappropriate word, it rolled off his tongue as if it were any other word (he heard it at school that day)...and we both just gasped in shock....and we responded by saying "because we've never heard you say this before, and because you're technically 'in the bubble', you won't 'be punished but if we ever hear you say that word again in your lifetime you will suffer extreme consequences. And then we explained why, what that word means and he's never used it since then. He just said "whew, thank God I'm in the bubble, I'm sorry, I'll never say it again". And that was that! It's a fine line between wanting to give your kids a total forum for saying ANYTHING they want...cause we want to know as parents...and a lesson tool for learning many, many things. It's great! The BUBBLE is a great learning tool for both parents and kids....

Karen B

1/29/2014 01:55:55 am

How do you keep the bubble from becoming a confessional? I can imagine my kids or husband bringing up things like "I broke grandma's antique vase" or "I really wasn't on a work trip last weekend" (exaggerated examples-LOL). Do you have any guidelines for the bubble other than The Rule?

Erica

2/2/2014 12:19:01 pm

I have a similar question about the bubble, but relating to marriage instead of children. What if your 'deal breaker' is brought up in the bubble? I am very confused about that. Example: Your deal breaker is infidelity and your spouse confesses to it in the bubble? Or something that is not a deal breaker, but is really serious?

Tish

1/28/2014 05:10:36 am

Sec is NOT just about the physical act, it has everything to do with being intimate with your partner. Kissing, hugging, holding hands, caressing a cheek, all part of the physical act, but more importantly, a BIG part of the emotional act. Great Blog, but you failed to mention the importance of having God be a big part of your relationship as well.

/b/tard

1/29/2014 08:04:22 am

*sigh* look. I understand that you choose to believe in a deity, and I understand that a lot of other people choose to believe as well, but you should acknowledge that there are plenty of people who choose not to, or choose to believe in (a) different one(s) than you do. Insisting that your (presumably Christian) god should be a big part of others' relationships is akin to insisting that Vishnu (a Hindu goddess) should be a part of yours, which, I am willing to bet, would appall you.

Rob

1/29/2014 01:14:43 pm

There are a few responses here that might work. First if you believe in Vishnu, are Wicca, worship the devil, are atheist or agnostic, you are in the minority immediately. Not just in the USA but in the world. That means MOST people on the planet disagree with you. Some people in the world even want to kill you for that. Christian's may want to convert you because they care about your soul and believe deeply that you are going to hell unless you believe as they do..some Christians... but a lot of other Christian's are just expressing their views openly much as you are. So, given this you could look at it as... don't make a lot of freaking waves because your in a tiny little precarious boat. Or you could look at it as, hey gee I live in the USA and here even though my religious views on in the minority I can express them freely without fear of being ostracized, jailed, burnt at the stake (well at least not in this century). Another way to look at it is, hey since I'm allowed to have and express my minority opinion about religion without bad things happening to me because I'm in the USA I should be gracious enough to not criticize those in the majority for expressing their opinion.

It never ceases to amaze me that in this country... where we have freedom of religion among other things, we have so many people who benefit from it outraged and vocally so at those in the majority for taking advantage of the same freedoms...whereas there are countries out there you would be tortured, maimed, raped and killed for your beliefs...or for any beliefs spoken or even suspected of being had that differ from the majority (or in some cases the minority in power).

That said, Tish may actually have a point. If you open your mind to her viewpoint for a moment...take GOD out of it (and you don't know which GOD she is talking about because she doesn't say)... change it to spirituality. Spirituality is an important part of us as beings... and as part of a relationship. The belief that something whether it is GOD, god, nature, inner oneness, or something is more powerful than we are...that is shared with another person as a common belief or a common bond or something that makes us together stronger than we are apart... that should be a part of most if not all relationships.

Tish may have meant Christian God or not, but if your god is Vishnu then hey... at least you have spirituality in your relationship and that's probably what's important.

1/30/2014 08:48:57 am

@/b/tard
Absolutely love and agree with your comment. Live and let live. Learn some tolerance ppl. It's not your life.

Stephannie Breaux

1/28/2014 06:41:31 am

This amazing me and my husband have been married 5 months. And there is a lot in here we need to start doing. This is an amazing blog thank you so much for sharing. Can't wait to go home and let my husband read these. Hoping to make our relationship stronger and better.

1/28/2014 07:32:08 am

YAY Stephanie. Thanks for the comment. Glad to hear that. Makes me so happy ; ).

Nikki

1/28/2014 06:51:17 am

I agree with Krista...and Kristy to a degree.

I get what the author was trying to convey. However, her writing of the cheating husband in such a way as to convey that he "was the victim first with [the wife's] demands of monogamy and then refusal to be his partner in that area in life" completed cheapened the point. In the example about a friend who used sex as a tool, yes, I can see it being unfair. However, there are extremely complex reasons why a woman or man does not want sex, not simply because one or the other is using it as a tool. Regardless of the reason, it still does not give anyone the right to open door to the hoochie farm.

There are no "acceptable" reasons to cheat, but there are reasons. I get that. But this is when honesty comes into play. If a man (or a woman, but we'll use man in this example) is in a relationship with a woman who refuses sex or uses it as a tool then HE has the obligation to be honest about his needs and expectations. He has a need and a right to say, "we're not having sex and I don't like it. I don't know if I can sustain a happy relationship without it because it's important to me and to a healthy marriage." If it's not something that can be worked out then, yah, maybe divorce is the answer. But essentially saying that he has a right to go off and sex with someone else is not the answer. I say this as a woman who is in a (mostly) sexless marriage. Due to some medical issues, my husband does not have much of a libido. And dammit, I love me some sex. It was a big issue for a long while, but one day I decided to talk about it very candidly (in the Bubble, as it were). I told him that I was worried that I could eventually cheat - not because I didn't love him or value him, but because I needed and wanted sex in my life. The talk wasn't easy and I know it embarrassed him, but it also saved our marriage -not because we started banging like rabbits, but because we were open and honest. I still don't have sex as much as I'd like. And, no, I have never gone out and cheated, but being honest laid the ground work for more sex discussions so that we could better understand each others viewpoint and find a way to work together so that it isn't such a strain. That's how sex issues are resolved, not by cheating.

Janice

1/31/2014 02:27:31 am

Well said!

Geoff Conway

1/28/2014 08:54:50 am

I am the first one that would like to have sex every night of the week, but i love my wife and respect her when she says no because I know she's had a horrible day,
so at that moment we try to set aside a day in the future. my wife is awesome.

1/30/2014 04:08:49 am

Whispering I love you and just cuddling after her rotten day is good and meaningful as well ~ back rubs or just doting on her if she can let go of her rotten day.. and it may take a couple hours. Say something funny and if she doesn't laugh, it's ok, she "got it" and it's one brick that fell from her wall because you made it obvious that you care. Even a wink at the kitchen sink is good. And if you caused her rotten day, get it discussed so you don't go to bed with her still being angry. A good relationship asks what can I do FOR YOU - not what can I expect FROM YOU. If both are that way, you both are winners. Men need to realize that with a crummy day, many things are going on in her head. She has a jerk for a boss, her best friend/sister hurt her, whatever it may be... and there may have been SEVERAL things that finally beat her down emotionally or made her snap with anger. Understand that women don't always know the best way to handle things in her crappy day so it takes time to process it. Men are factual and see things in their life as a 1,2,3 and it's taken care of. When she's down, hubby can do a tremendous good. She's been broken and beat up. Build her back up. Does it cost you anything except showing your heart and a little time? Sometimes life sucks when you're trying to juggle so many things and then the perfect mountain she set out to build for the day collapsed for reasons uncontrollable by her. Put the kids to bed that evening, run bathwater for her, hand her a glass of wine, kiss her and say GO!!! pointing to the bathroom. AND --- on the other hand, the role of love and understanding can be reversed as well. Men certainly have crappy days, too. Sometimes a loving, I understand stare into his eyes is helpful. He knows she can't fix the situation but he also knows she's on his side and loves him. Men shouldn't be on one side and women on the other. Remember... "the two shall become one." You're on the same side helping each other in a good relationship. :)

Todd Fisher

1/28/2014 10:17:52 am

my father was a fairly famous marriage and family counselor actually having written many books. I've seen and heard a lot of different variations on what makes a marriage work. This is one of the best and most concise set of descriptors thar I have ever laid eyes on ! Very well said.

kristy sinsara

3/9/2014 07:17:11 am

The extended, more candid and honest, more detailed nightstand version of our blog THE TOP TEN RULES TO MARRIAGE - THE BOOK is now available on Amazon, free delivery. $7.38

Here's the link (copy and right click and it will take you directly to the link).

http://www.amazon.com/Rules-Marriage-Every-Couple-Should/dp/0615982441/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1394397402&sr=8-2&keywords=top+ten+rules+to+marriage

Danielle

1/28/2014 11:33:53 am

You have no idea how much this hit home for me at this exact moment. I started this year single, after over 5 years of being with the love of my life, I told her to get out on new years eve. We made a lot of these mistakes over the years. When they weren't being made, we were great together, but it became too much. We've spent a lot of this new year talking things over, and being brutally honest. We had nothing left to lose, only the potential to gain, and learn. We've started a lot of these before even reading this, even though we are technically still broken up, the change was immediate. These rules really do have an amazing impact in relqtionships. My only question is The Bubble.... what if what they say in the bubble is a deal breaker???

1/29/2014 02:49:30 pm

Good point Danielle. I say better to know now then later. Why waste time finding out later. That's why I say talk about ALL deal breakers from the get go. Put it out on the table now...

1/28/2014 12:25:42 pm

So I have a question on rule 7 the bubble. What do you mean by you absolutely cannot not not abuse it? By abuse do you mean having a consequence or something else...like saying something sarcastic in the bubble? I'm thinking it is the consequence that you mean by abuse cause that is the only rule but want to be clear.

1/28/2014 01:51:44 pm

You can't abuse the bubble by telling your kids (or anyone for that matter) that they can go "safely inside the bubble" and then they get in trouble for something said in it. That's not fair and it totally defeats the purpose of the bubble...that's all I meant by that.

Jess

1/28/2014 01:58:29 pm

I have one question to ask what if you have already broken some of those rules and for two how can you actually make a man just sit there listen and put feedback in the conversation? I am still very new at being married we are going on three years

1/28/2014 03:18:47 pm

If you've already broken some rules just do what I did....each day is a NEW day...CHANGE. Set new rules NOW and write down the date. It's a pivotal moment in your history. Just make a point to change, and change ; ) Talk it out with your partner and do it together....it's a NEW DAY!!!!

jess

1/28/2014 05:02:19 pm

Um.... I have another issue and I need a complete outsider not someone that is going to be bias, I have another issue where he will watch porn get horny then want me with me telling him that's how I feel, I have had this convo with him twice.. I don't know if his problem is that I am his first and now his last or what

Heidi

1/28/2014 02:20:10 pm

Great points! Although I resent the whole assumption that men are the ones with the sexual needs and that the scenario must therefore be a "woman" not giving out and therefore being unfair to her "husband"

1/28/2014 03:05:29 pm

These are wonderful tools to use in a marriage. Thank you for the advice.

Lindsey

1/28/2014 03:07:43 pm

I have input regarding #6. When I have forced myself to be intimate with my boyfriend I feel that it's wrong and unhealthy and unsettling. I realize that he needs the affection and as do I but it just doesn't feel right. But already we have broken almost every rule you have expressed . Yes...I see the signs. Another issue is that since we are not yet married I still keep in very rare contact with some of my childhood friends, which are male. Not all male of course actually close to one or two have I rarely spoken to. He has declared that as cheating.The contact is just in qick messages on fb or a rare phone call. Nothing. out of line is said and I do not hesitate to say that I am involved. No one has to draw a line because we are and always have been just friends. It hurts a great deal that my bf is so emotionally bent from friendships. And it goes beyond that as well. I believe I already have my answers but receiving advice is helpful.

1/28/2014 03:13:38 pm

I'm no therapist obviously but I"d say you answered your own questions. IF you are honestly considering marrying this person you two need a little "come to Jesus" meeting. Be honest about ALL of it. Set new rules and give yourselves a year to live by them. If you can do this, GO for it, if not, there's your answer. Set new rules and do not break them.

But one of your rules I think should be putting your foot down about your friends. Marriage doesn't make people LESS jealous, it usually only causes them to be more so. You can't live like that. What's next?

WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US, there is NO EXCEPTION to this rule EVER. Re-teach him. And while you're at it, reteach yourself too ; )

Zack

1/28/2014 10:47:24 pm

I'm not married yet but these are amazing tips that I will take into my marrage one day.

Stump link

1/29/2014 12:40:13 am

I have read through almost all of the replies and to all of those hating rule number six....... Pay attention to the wording. I may be wrong but, the author isn't saying to force yourself to have sex. She is simply stating that you should try to boost your sex life if the other rules are followed. It is not simply bend over I'm taking you. She seems to me to mean that if a dull sex life is your underlying problem to arrange times that are designated for alone time. How you perform is between you and your lover based on what you both like and you must work and communicate to know what is considered to be acceptable in the bedroom. The act of having sex when not wanting it isn't based off of I'm with you, your going to do it. It is based off of a mutual understanding of trying to bring your sex life back. If massive issues are what's stopping you...... You need to work it out or split. She's saying don't let trivial issues be a stopper. Sex is a very important part of feeling desired and lack of it will make you and your partner feel undesired and start other issues unrelated to sex. My fiance and I have both had sex with each other even when one of us wasn't in the mood. It greatly helps you and your partner to help build intimacy again and shows that even when trivial things bother you, you still care about their wants and needs. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU OR THEM. It is about reconnecting both of you. No means no........ But that shouldn't stop you from having the free and alone time to have the option. Simply stated big problems need work. Small problems shouldn't stop your sex life.

Neglavar

1/29/2014 05:24:44 am

If the author meant it in the way you have described, I am sure that as a writer they could have easily addressed in that manner you speak, instead of having other people defending it and attempting to decode it for all to understand.

Kate

1/29/2014 12:52:54 am

Thank you!!! I'm divorced; there were many issues, but so many of them are covered here in different ways. He is, I believe, a good man who has an illness that makes him not such a good man. I loved him desperately and made excuses for his abusive behavior for years - the screaming, the violence, the expectation that I would never be changed by the way that he treated me. I took my vows seriously and did all I could to save our marriage and help him find a better place; maybe it was the glimpses of who he used to be that kept me there and hoping. When I had nothing left to give, he didnt want me anymore, and it broke my heart. Once I was back to being a single mom again, I realized how little I had been appreciated and respected. I also realized how much damage had been done to my spirit. My mistake was this; I didn't tell him. I was afraid of him, but I didn't tell him how worthless he made me feel, how desperately sad I was, or what I needed. He would come home, where I was waiting up, and ignore me or berate me about something that I hadn't done. I wouldn't argue. I went to bed and cried myself to sleep, and eventually, I stopped waiting up. And he didn't care.

I'm now engaged to a wonderful man who also happens to be the father of my daughter. He appreciates me. He tells me every day how much I am loved, and I do the same. We have some things to work on, like everyone does, but we have such a normal, healthy relationship.

Just my $.02... Sex isn't only one person's responsibility. If he wants sex, help her feel sexy, and if she just really isn't reciprocating, ask her why. Talk. And listen. When I was married, I didn't want sex at the end. I felt worthless, ugly, and downright unlovable, but he never asked. He just got angry and refused to speak to me. And he wasn't exactly trying, either. Fast forward to last night... I came home after a 12 hour day, exhausted, stressed, and cold. We went to bed, and he asked. He held me, talked to me, and cared. We talked about what was bothering us, and then we had great sex. And it goes both ways; women aren't always the ones doing the turning down. Regardless, though, there's never a reason to cheat. Communication is so key. If you're unhappy, talk about it. Tell your spouse that you want a more active sex life. But help them feel safe. My ex didn't just want sex (which I generally happily gave him at least once per day, often more). It was fetishes and things that he wanted me to do that if I didn't do, I had to deal with his anger. Some of them scared me and made me uncomfortable, but I did them because I was afraid not to. That isn't fair. Sex should be enjoyable for both people. It shouldn't be one person in power all the time.

Wilson Phillips

1/29/2014 01:05:27 am

HA! What total BS.
First point says, "Don't ever threaten to leave."
Second point says, tell them what will make you leave.
Craptastic advice on how to DEFINITELY have a failed marriage.
Delete this. It's rubbish.

1/29/2014 08:21:19 am

| Second point says, tell them what will make you leave.

No. It says be honest about what would make you WANT to leave, and then both agree not to do those things.

"Deal breakers make you want to "break the deal" and bonds of marriage"

Key word: WANT. Not THREATEN TO.

"Discuss them, know them and respect them!"

Hopefully your SO's deal-breaker isn't reading comprehension.

Summyz YaYa

1/29/2014 01:11:31 am

This is the best advice I've read in a long time!

Charity

1/29/2014 01:29:36 am

After having one failed marriage after 10 years, I always say I learned more through my divorce than I did in 10 years of marriage. I am now about to get married again, and I absolutely agree with all of your rules.

Once the "D" word is spoken, even one time, it is like a seed has been planted. It becomes all too easy to water it, to grow the idea, and the more the word is spoken...the easier it is to think of it as something to actually go through with..or at least that is what happened in my situation. It was absolutely devastating.

Also, my first husband and I had several issues that we never communicated about open and honestly about...and that was mostly my fault. I didn't offer a fair and safe environment. If he even tried to talk about his goals, his hurts, his problems...I probably was too defensive or tried to all too quickly solve them instead of really listen. Of course, this is all easy to say now in retrospect. Also, that's not to say everything was my fault. It takes two to make a marriage crumble. It's just easier to see now what I could've done to make things better.

It is very possible that our marriage would've failed anyway; however, it may have lasted longer had we both tried to provide better for each other in more ways than one. We had big issues with all the big three yet never even really discussed them like we should: Money, Sex and Kids. No marriage can survive that.

This article/blog/post is fantastic and every married/divorced/single person should read it. To the naysayers, listen...you really have no idea until you've fallen too far down. Then you will get it.

And, of course, it's easy to say "These rules are AWESOME. Let's do this EVERY SINGLE DAYYYY!" than it is to actually implement them every.single.day... Marriage is work, people. Let's not forget that. Otherwise, divorce rates wouldn't be what they are.

It's all too easy to go move onto "greener" grass only to find you actually have to fertilize that crap too. Imagine that.

LOL.

Great read. Thanks for posting. :)

Jeff

1/29/2014 01:44:18 am

Great article! I felt it left out something that was important and lacking in my marriage- apologies and forgiveness. Wife my was raised in an environment and taught that apologizing showed weakness, so she very seldom offered any. We all make mistakes, but when we don't take ownership of them or at least acknowledge how it affects other people then those wounds don't heal well. After awhile the scars built to a point where there is much resentment. Forgiveness is much easier to obtain when it is asked for.

Emily

1/29/2014 02:26:34 am

There are times in a relationship where it is natural not to have sex. I feel strongly if you do not want to have sex you should not. Having sex against your desire not to can change the dynamic in a relationship which can be damaging. Love must be patient and I agree it should be discussed but not something to take lightly or be pressured into.

Joshua

1/29/2014 03:28:12 am

I had to stop at item 1. After 'x' amount of years and you are just about to leave - you should just hit your spouse with the papers w/o even saying you're considering "D"? To your point, I spent most of the 'x-1' years being told by my spouse that they were leaving. The result is as you said - each time it's actually been bringing me closer to leaving.

2/1/2014 02:31:10 am

When my hubby and I first got together his favorite go to phrase when we were arguing was "You know where the door is." or some variation of that. Until one day we got into a doozy and he poked my shoulder. I stopped dead and told him to leave (one of our deal breakers, spoken of often, was no physicality... I grew up in an abusive household and I will NOT tolerate anything physical in anger.) He knew I was completely serious. He didn't leave but he never used his "catch phrase" again.

I learned that one needs to be VERY careful of what they say, to think before you say something or do something. It's not always easy but if my brain thinks of something mean my mouth locks up until I have a moment to think of something different. It's a skill that you have to train yourself to do. Well worth it.

2/1/2014 02:31:20 am

2/1/2014 02:31:26 am

Xtina

1/29/2014 03:49:15 am

I don't get the "bubble" between adults. Magically hurtful word don't effect feelings and actions and words aren't judged?

Keiry

1/29/2014 04:52:46 am

Cheating, whether it was done because the spouse doesn't give sex or not, is NEVER a justification for doing so, NEVER.

1/29/2014 01:31:26 pm

No there is no justification, but there are reasons. And a sexless relationship is a big one. So if you want to know why someone cheated, it is probably one of these items that should have been tended to. If that rule was that you should talk about sex and have it, then there you go. That is the reason it happened. Whether good or bad, that is still the reason. Now don't think I am saying some men aren't just habitual cheaters, but the vast majority of men and women who cheat have had their hearts broken by one of these "rules of relationships" not being met.

1/29/2014 01:50:39 pm

That, yes.

1/29/2014 05:21:34 am

I love this post, but I can't completely agree with #6 "Have sex, whether you want to or not." To say that the reason someone cheats is because they are not getting what they need at home is ridiculous. You obviously have never been cheated on.

My partner has a problem and is addicted to sex. I cannot give him what he wants as much as he wants it. When I was cheated on, I blamed myself because I thought that same way, that I was not giving what he wanted, so he had to get it elsewhere. It hurt me so much thinking like this. I ended up trying my best to keep up with his obsessive needs, but I would physically be in pain and mentally exhausted.

When I was cheated on again, I started to realize that it couldn't have been me. I was doing everything I could to make sure he didn't have to go somewhere else. The reality was that he has a serious problem. I have caught him on the phone even talking to exes who lived across the country, while looking at porn and pleasuring himself at the same time. I have caught him doing it at home, and I have even caught him at his work. I wondered if I was just lucky to happen to catch him so much, but then after awhile I knew it wasn't luck, he just did it all the time.

I still love him and we are still together after 6 years, but I have lost so much trust and respect for him. I have even lost respect for myself. When you keep getting hurt for the same thing over and over again, you stop looking at the person who keeps doing it, instead you look at yourself; the person who keeps forgiving and who keeps hoping it is something you can work out together.

1/29/2014 01:40:51 pm

Hellooo! There is a problem other than cheating here. Your partner has an actual medical condition. If you cannot handle that medical condition you shouldn't be in that relationship. The reason why you have lost respect for yourself isn't because you have been cheated on, it is because you have been lying to yourself that you can actually deal with this condition, and possibly cure it or curb it yourself and also live with the consequences of his addiction, when you obviously cannot! Tell your partner to get help, and be able to handle the consequences or get out - its that simple.

4/5/2014 10:50:23 am

JB: Sexual addiction is NOT a medical condition. Diabetes is a medical condition. Sexual addiction is a mental health condition just as any addiction (food, booze, cigarettes, drugs, sex). There are groups for this. Why would anyone want to just handle someone else's addiction? Al-Anon could help her learn to take care of herself, giving him the responsibility to deal with his addiction. Addiction does not mean he can't make a choice to get help and stop being addicted. He's making a choice by continuing without trying to work on it. And by the way, it sounds more like an addiction to porn than just sex.

Noel link

1/29/2014 06:07:59 am

Loved your post. Thank you for being inclusive of gay couples. While #6 seems controversial I agree with the sentiment. Put it on the schedule. Even if NO ONE is in the mood, fake it till you make it to keep the relationship healthy. The deprivation and cheating goes both ways. While it's a harsh reality, if you give your spouse the constant cold shoulder you have to take responsibility for your part in not keeping them sexually satisfied (all genders included). Your bubble idea is ingenious and I think I am going to suggest implementing this tonight! My partners biggest complaint is probably not feeling able to be open for worry about my reaction. A safe zone like "the bubble" may be exactly what we need for better communication. Thanks so much!

marisa

1/29/2014 07:12:59 am

Loved the whole article but people seem to be having issue with number 6. If you don't want to have sex with your partner EVER then you need to get the hell out of that relationship because something else is seriously wrong. Having sex even when you dont feel like it doesnt mean you have to be an automatic sex robot putting out on demand to avoid being cheated on. it just means be open minded when approached. yes you are tired sometimes and no you cant feel sexy 100% of the time but you can make an effort to say yes more. If you want a man OR woman to stay monogamous to you, you cannot cut them off and expect them to beg for scrap. You dont deserve to be cheated on, no one does, but no one deserves to be physically ignored either you are BOTH wrong. If the sex is no good its your own damn fault you are the only one in control of your own sexuality, no man is too stupid to be taught to please you and most are willing to learn if it means they'll get it often.
Ive been with my s/o for three years and I can count on one hand the number of times either one of us has turned the other down. I'm so attracted to him physically and mentally I feel really sorry for anyone who has no desire for their partner.

Cadalac

2/1/2014 06:48:26 am

I totally agree, it seems as if sometimes people read; Have sex if you want to or not. Then stop reading and go straight to criticism. Dang people need to read.

Nicole'

1/29/2014 09:45:39 am

I would like to thank you for this article. I am getting married in November and we are of course looking for advice to encourage..FOREVER! The way marriages go for my generation it seems like vows and commitment are taken to lightly, and we don't want the same to happen for us. This was by far the best information I have heard. I am looking forward to sharing this with my husband to be and putting everything I have read to use. Thanks again Kristy!

1/29/2014 12:36:21 pm

You're welcome Nicole. Thanks for taking the time to post that, to ALL of you actually. Honestly, if someone had just taken the time to say these things to me before I got married it would have saved a lot of needless heartache and fights.

Katie

1/29/2014 01:19:31 pm

About The Bubble... I really like the idea! Especially for children and parents, but I'm not sure it would work in my marriage. There's a lot of things, feelings especially, I'd like to share with my husband, but I would never do it, bubble or no. I know the things I say will hurt him, and I know they'll stick with them. Regardless of if someone outwardly reacts to something, it is impossible that they are unaffected. He would look at me differently, feel differently, feel hurt, and possibly even carry it around with him for quite some time. There is no doubt in my mind that something like this could in fact destroy a marriage..

1/29/2014 02:41:07 pm

This is kind of taking the concept of the Bubble to an extreme if you ask me. It's not something to use to hurt anyone. It's a forum for fun honesty...and to open some discussions that are needed and may otherwise not be had.

I would never use the bubble to hurt my spouse and just say "oh well, I was in the bubble". That sounds childish. I'm sorry I assumed a level of sensitivity while dealing with the Bubble ; ). DEFINITELY be sensitive....

Steve

1/29/2014 04:24:10 pm

Kristy,

Thanks for sharing these advice. I've been married 3 years now and things go well. I've had that "Bubble" session with my wife even before we get married and I can affirm that that thing works - even though I have to admit that sometimes there is a temptation of feeling insecured and just want to defend myself ;)

What I want to ask you about is what made you deciding to marry a same gender. Is Logan from your wife's previous relationship if I may ask? I'm straight and I guess I never understand the feeling of a gay person - and hence why I think a lot of people are very judgmental. Did you just suddenly feel attracted to the same gender or have you been attracted to men before?

Thanks again for your time.

1/29/2014 05:51:18 pm

Hi there. Thanks for the response. I have one biological son, my wife has two biological children. However, we do not use the words "step" in our home. There are no such things as step kids around here. The youngest, Logan, who is here in this video with me was so young when she and I married that our family unit is all he knows. We are Logan's parents. He's never lived in a world where that's weird, different or "wrong". And I am extremely protective of him and that fact, needless to say. Logan has two moms and we are an incredible family.

I honestly am not sure why the world has been so incredibly accepting and "welcoming" to us and our family. We've never been victim to any kind of prejudice or homophobia. Perhaps it's because we have always been on the West Coast, where people seem more open minded and tolerant. Perhaps it's because we are two very feminine women, living very conservative lives together....and unless we told you we were married, you would otherwise NEVER suspect it. Either way, we are grateful for it and protective of it and I for one feel very responsible for that positioning in life.

Regarding my personal prefereces my wife and I fell in love, quite unexpectedly. We have both been in great relationships with men before yes. I have had many wonderful men in my life. I just so happen to fall in love with her and we married and merged our families and lives together and figured out how to make it work.

As you can see from my blog, marriage is hard work no matter WHOM you are or married to. I was just pointing out the fact that it would have helped had anyone shared with me these rules prior to marriage...it has been a long road getting to this point...

So I'm just sharing the love ; )

Adeline link

1/29/2014 04:41:50 pm

The bubble is interesting... not sure what that kind of honesty would look like.... can you really say "anything without consequences" in a relationships." Definitely thinking about this more. I would think boundaries are a part of all in life... the words will still be a memory no matter how couched they are or rationalized. And Sorry... but you lost me at "gay or straight marriage"... I respect that everyone has a reason for getting married, but being married to a male is not the same as being married to a female. They are wired differently.. not to mention sex is a little different... just for starters. So relating all you say about relationship I don't believe is a fit for all orientations. ie. Two males relate very differently than two females... and very differently than a male and female. Emotional make-up is different etc. date night is monogamous for hetero marriages... not the case in 80% of gay marriages. I know people don't want to believe this, but monogamy is not the goal of gay marriage... sex acts are. There's a difference between sex acts and love commitment. You also lost me at the moment you were very open with your opinions (which I enjoyed reading) and then you totally disrespect anyone else's opinions. After all your opinions are just that too.. not the facts. All the best... just saying.

1/29/2014 05:41:19 pm

Adeline. Thanks for your comment. I really think the concept of the Bubble is being taken out of context quite a bit here. It was something we created for our kids and it's been amazing...and everyone once in a while my spouse and/or I will one say "I need to go into the Bubble", which truly just translates into "I need to say something free of consequence because it's important to me that it gets said". If you're with someone that would use it to hurt you, that's just mean...

Regarding people having different opinions or views than I do, I apologize if anything I said seemed intolerant to that. I'm a blogger, it's very rare people agree with me, truly, I am used to the constant negative feedback and arguments.

The only thing that's ever important to me is if or when something I say is taken out of context, I feel the need to clear the air at times, otherwise, it's all good.

I believe diversity makes the world go round and round and rembering our similarities keeps us all grounded and sane ; )

sue

1/29/2014 04:48:23 pm

Wow!! I see my ex in number 10. It's true about how he was shocked when I left him. He never told me he loved me unless he wanted something. He was very self centered and very unsupportive. He hasn't changed much since we divorced. Not sure how he is with his new wife but I hope he learned a valuable lesson otherwise I fear our children will follow his lead. The man I AM with now caring, supportive and loving. I hope that is the example my children will follow but only time will tell.

Shawna

1/29/2014 05:20:06 pm

Your article was good in many ways. I would improve it by changing #6 to say sex is a by-product of trust, love and commitment in a relationship. If you don't trust your partner and feel safe, if you are only having sex as an obligation and you do not enjoy it...reevaluate. He or she may not be the person for you. Marriage does not have to be forever if you are in an unhealthy relationship. It took me 16 years to finally get it.

ELLIE

6/24/2014 02:54:07 am

Dr Lawrence saved my marriage within 3days of contact,i contacted him in regards of my husband who left me for another woman i tried all the methods i know to get him back but to no avail then a good friend of mine Mrs maria introduce me to drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com who cast a powerful and wonderful spell that brought him back to me in just 3days i really want to use this medium to advice that for solution regarding any relationship issues : drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com is always there to help you out...... Ellie lyra

Linda Aspen-Baxter link

1/29/2014 10:15:51 pm

Thank you for such a great article, Kristy. I appreciate your honest sharing and "putting yourself out there." I really like the Bubble idea. I was always really open with my kids as well, and I know they would have liked the Bubble. I look forward to reading more of your work. I, also, am putting myself out there with my blog. I would appreciate your comments as someone on a huge learning curve. I am happy to discover and connect with you!

Alycia

1/30/2014 01:03:54 am

I really like the bubble idea. I truly believe in having an open and honest dialogue with children and partners. I have a sincere question: What do you do or how do you handle a situation where your kid asks to go to the bubble, and during the time in the bubble shares that they have broken a severe rule (i.e. stole from a clothing store, tried alcohol for the first time, vandalized property, etc.)- standard, or even extreme, teenage situations that most adults went through but maybe need a consequence? I believe if consequences are given, most times, a dialogue should be had as well. Do you believe in giving consequences to children, ever? How does this situation work when the bubble is being used? Again, I'm genuinely coming from a place of wonder and look forward to your response. Thanks for your time! Great article and video! :)

Joe

1/30/2014 01:10:08 am

Regarding the bubble. You say to never, never abuse the bubble (i.e., apply consequences to what was said while in the bubble). But, it seems like it can be abused as well in another way; by using the bubble as a way to avoid natural consequences. As in, "oh, shit, I had an affair. Oh, whew. That's OK. I'll just tell my husband about it, "in the bubble", and thereby avoid any consequences". He'll *have* to be OK with it, whether he likes it or not, because hey, "respect the bubble". He might want to be all hurt and distrust me, but that would be to apply consequences, and that's against the one and only rule of "the bubble". I just think in marriage, there are sometimes things that have to be worked out and fixed, and that fixing those entails accepting consequences. In the case of an affair, you have totally destroyed the trust in the marriage. Do you think that because you reveal the affair in the bubble, you can really avoid the 'consequence' of destroyed trust, which might possible lead to divorce? That because it was revealed in the bubble, your husband will be like, "oh, ok. hey, thanks for sharing that with me. So glad we have this bubble thing, so I don't have to feel hurt by you having an affair." I like the idea of the bubble. I just think it could be abused as a "get out of jail free" card, and in these cases it's not a helpful device, but a harmful one.
Oh, crap, mom and dad said I can't go to prom if I get lower than a C. I got a D. That's OK, I'll just tell mom and dad while in the bubble, then they can't impose the consequence!

Arcturus

1/30/2014 01:11:29 am

Might seem a little rash, but number 6 is dangerous territory. If your partner doesn't want to have sex, then DON'T. Men, listen to me on this one. If your partner doesn't want to do it and you plead for it to happen, that's coercion which can be used against you as rape. Sounds extreme, I know. But it's better to be safe than sorry.

Amanda P.

1/30/2014 01:13:22 am

Wow, number 6. Really? "First of all, there's nothing quite as unfair as demanding your spouse be "monogamous" with you and expect them to only have sex with you but then you refuse to ever give it up, put out, say "yes". I'm always amazed by these women that refuse to sleep with their husbands but then act completely victimized when their husbands cheat on them. Your husband was the victim first with your demands of monogamy and then refusal to be his partner in that area in life. "

This is the most ludicrous argument I have heard. The equivalent of this lack of maturity would be a child, begging for sweets at the market, when told they can't have the sweets, they wait until their parent isn't looking and take the sweets anyway. Both are a result of the under-developed frontal cortex of the brain (i.e. inability to make rational decisions).

If a one is not being intimate with their mate, it is something that needs to be addressed and worked through. It is NOT a free pass for a man to be unfaithful. The fact that there are women out there who actually believe this load of crap is quite tragic.

1/30/2014 01:42:31 am

Amanda: I don't think she's saying anyone gets a "free pass" to be unfaithful. I think what she is saying is, that it is extremely unfair to expect your spouse to be monogamous and only have sex with you, and then refuse to sleep with them. I don't think she's saying at all that every single time the husband 'demands' sex, the wife 'must' obey. I think she's saying that when you have an expectation of your spouse that you be the sole source of his sexual satisfaction, then it is reasonable to hold a corresponding expectation that actually be the source of your spouses sexual satisfaction. Because you want to make him happy. Not because it is 'demanded'. Look, sex makes men happy. This is NOT perverted! It is natural. It even makes some women happy! If a woman wants to make her man happy, the very quickest way to make that happen is generally with sex. It makes him feel close, loved, accepted, appreciated. The converse is, if it's been 6 weeks since you have had sex, because "something needs to be addressed and worked through", then your husband is feeling distant, unloved, unaccepted and unappreciated. And trapped, by his commitment of complete fidelity. If there is something that needs to be addressed before you can feel like having sex with your husband, then why not own that, and initiate the problem resolution, because you know that he is unhappy not having sex and you want to make him happy, and you won't be able to until X issue is resolved.

1/30/2014 02:11:55 am

That's exactly what I'm saying, thank you for that Joe.

Cynthia

1/30/2014 02:13:11 am

I have got to say I read this and tought it was good but with number 6 I would like to say that it is not only the women that does this. Men also do this so i think you should re word it.

True man link

1/30/2014 04:26:47 am

People who support gay marriage are so intolerant of people who believe in traditional marriage.

Abbey

1/30/2014 04:41:40 am

I love The Bubble idea, but have a few questions regarding it during certain hypothetical scenarios.

1) What if The Bubble is used by your spouse to admit to what he/she knows is one of your deal breakers? How can you treat that without consequence? If it doesn't end up breaking up your marriage, there would definitely be a whole lot to work through to get past it. Either way, that seems like a pretty significant consequence to something that was said in The Bubble.

2) What if your child reveals something in The Bubble that absolutely needs to be addressed? For example, he/she stole something, was guilty of a hit and run (property damage or otherwise), vandalized something, etc? Maybe he/she even did something accidentally but didn't admit to it until doing so in The Bubble. I understand that The Bubble might be the only way you would have gotten such honesty, but there are some things that can't just go without consequence.

Steph

1/30/2014 04:55:17 am

More detailed question about the bubble.....how does it not become a place where kids or even the parents admit to wrong doing with no consequences? Or is it only for things to SAY? Like if my partner wanted to sy how something I said or did upset them or hurt them and they did it in the bubble then once it's said do we not discuss it further or how can I make it right or explain myself? Thanks for clarifying! My partner and I are coming up on one year together

1/30/2014 06:07:45 am

Steph, great question. Honestly we've never used the bubble for "admitting guilt" lolol....I'm going to start doing that though!

We truly really only use the Bubble for our kids and rarely have used it for our marriage...I wouldn't trust the protection of the bubble to admit something to someone that I otherwise don't want to admit!!! HAHA

David

1/30/2014 05:00:04 am

I don't understand how "gay or straight" enters into this at all. It's a completely pointless factor to throw in. You may as well write, "Top Ten Things for Marriage... Black or White."

It seems the only purpose of including it is to show everyone how tolerant you are and that you view straight or gay marriage the same. Fine. Who cares? What does it have to do with couples getting along with each other?

carlie

1/30/2014 05:06:36 am

GREAT ARTICLE

Kym

1/30/2014 06:10:31 am

Wonderful post. We're both in our 2nd marriage, now at 11 years and counting and many of these are exactly what we do and the advice we pass along. He spent almost 14 years in the Army with many deployments and there were some atypical stressors that went along with that. It's also had some lasting impacts on him and how he faces each day afterward. This has taught us a lot about ourselves and relationships as a whole. Our relationships with our friends, family members, etc. all benefit from many of these same rules of respect each other and be grateful. While there are a few things that pertain strictly to romantic relationships many of these really do apply to how we treat each other as human beings as a whole, although we do have a culture these days of "spouse bashing" with a lot of stereotypes (women shopping and nagging, men drinking beer and watching sports) that just set us up for the negativity to permeate our relationships without even realizing it, and that sets us up for the public displays of anger in #4. It breaks my heart for all involved when I see things like that. We have, in very close confidence discussed some of the problems we have encountered, not in a way to have each other judged, but as an example of what we faced, what it taught us, and how we moved on. Such as one of my favorite "woops, we didn't communicate very well" and "Wow, did I have some hidden expectations I didn't realize" stories. :) We discussed, planned, and were in total agreement of having a clean the house top to bottom weekend. A real purge of the household in getting rid of things that were no longer of use to us and could be put in a yard sale, donated, or trashed. Total agreement. The day arrived. I started downstairs in a very methodical way, the furthest room away which happened to be our kitchen. Scrub walls, organize, clear out, etc. Anything that didn't belong got moved to the next room and no further, not distracting from the current room. Then I moved on to the next room in the same process. Hubby? He started in the attic, at the top. :) We were at each other's throats the whole weekend but the task did get accomplished. We realized that we both used the exact same phrase to describe totally different manners of accomplishing the task and we never thought to ask about the details. Goal accomplished and a wonderful lesson in hidden expectations of understanding what we mean as well as how we need to communicate learned. That story is not told in anger and doesn't leave anyone with a bad image of either of us. Yes, I am telling it here in a public forum but generally we tell that story privately when another couple comes to us with the same kind of problem we faced. Identify it, learn from it, and incorporate it into your relationship from here on out.

The bubble is an interesting concept. We don't say it exactly but we behave that way with each other anyway. What we have is a "reset" day. New Year's Eve is, along with the celebration, our "bitches, gripes, and complaints" session. If there is ANYTHING from the past year that still just puts a bee in your bonnet, say so. Get it out of your system. As of midnight, 1 January, only the good goes forward. This keeps us present in the now without the "you've done our entire marriage" kind of statements coming up. In a disagreement we can only discuss the "now". And we remind each other, tsk, that happened last year, no more bringing it up, talk to me about NOW. It also makes for a short memory after a couple of years. It puts the bad out of my mind. Do I remember a few incidents that were particularly bad for me? Sure. Do I remember the names of everyone involved, the dates, times of day, etc.? Nope. I can't. The details honestly left my memory. I had no need of them. This is another tidbit that benefits our relationships with everyone around us regardless of any romantic involvement. We find that we tend to focus on good memories, chalking up most bad interactions as isolated events rather than defining moments. Sure, we have crossed paths with people who were indeed more bad interactions than good and they passed through our lives without staying. It's isn't rose-colored glasses thinking everyone, everything, and every situation is perfect. We're simply honest. If we can have a bad day and be a little left-of-center of our true self then so can everyone else from time to time. This wipe the slate clean date of ours just put us into the habit of doing that with each other and it has spilled over into a mindset with everyone.

Now, I probably shouldn't tack this in here, but I did have a little, very minor eye roll about the number of times "gay or straight" was used. Funny thing, I was reading the post from the standpoint of a man. LOL Talk about hidden expectations in myself. LOL I still fall victim to that from time to time. When I first read through, I was taking that phrase to be one of "let's include this so there is no backlash later for n

1/30/2014 06:17:05 am

Thanks for your response Kym. Love it!

1/30/2014 08:10:01 am

Ack. It looks like the last part was cut off. This is why I don't Twitter. I talk toooooo much. :)

What I went on to say was that while I was falling victim to my own hidden understandings, I was reading it to include gays when in fact it was written to include ME! Thank you. :) I long for the day when we discuss relationships without any kind of qualifier, no matter any religious or political leanings. When we realize that relationships are all kinds and what is good for romantic relationships is often good for platonic relationships as well just without certain bonuses. :) When we all treat each other as other human beings just mustering our way courageously through what life hands us in the way we best know how at the time. We all learn lessons and do better next time. Allow each other the humanity without the labels. :)

1/30/2014 06:15:12 am

CLEARING UP THE ISSUE OF SEX #6: Let me clarify a few things here since this is such a hot topic.

1. I'm not condoning marital rape, please stop being dramatic
2. I'm not even saying you should have sex with someone you don't really want to have sex with...please stop putting words in my mouth.

I was assuming a level of mutual attraction and respect (coming from my own experience obviously) and didn't consider all of these other factors you all are bringing up.

If you're not attracted to your spouse anymore, that's an issue. If you can't stand your spouse and have no desire to be intimate with them, THAT'S another issue. If you hate your spouse and the idea of him making sexual advances at your makes you want to vomit, you should probably go to counseling.

I was referring ONLY to couples that love each other, LOVE AND WANT to have sex but just sometimes get lost in the mix of a busy life! That's my experience! My spouse and I haven't lost our attraction for one another nor our desire to be together physically. But we have gone through periods where we have gotten so busy we've forgotten to be intimate...so we MAKE it happen and we always LOVE that we did.

NOT ALL OF OUR SEX IS SCHEDULED for godsake. Stop being dramatic. MOST of our sex is spontaneous....I was just saying if you lose that "drive" in the middle of a busy life, schedule it, make it happen and you won't regret it!

Yes I am aware that sex with men is different than sex with women! Yes I am also aware that men want sex (on average) a LOT more. Yes I am aware that sex with any partner can seem tedious and boring and monotonous.

That's why I said "spice it up" and have a little more fun. Sometimes having the same boring sex all of the time lends to NO SEX eventually as there's nothing to look forward to? I don't know. I'm not a sex therapist...I was only saying things that helped MY MARRIAGE!

Now stop being dramatic and go have more sex! : )

Penni Hazzard

1/30/2014 09:08:59 am

I personally loved your article and understood everything you meant. I'm sorry that people can't be mature and appreciate what you're trying to do by helping with the advice you're giving. Thank you.

1/30/2014 10:21:55 am

People read what they want to read, they see what they want and interpret it like that. I can't change anyone's personal feelings about the article, I can only laugh I guess at their interpretations lolol ; )

666

1/30/2014 07:03:59 am

Good article, but my god.

"I'm always amazed by these women that refuse to sleep with their husbands but then act completely victimized when their husbands cheat on them. Your husband was the victim first with your demands of monogamy and then refusal to be his partner in that area in life."

Do you feel the same way about women who want sex and don't get it from their husbands? Because that happens. And then they cheat.

This is kind of a gross thing to think. BOTH are to blame.

Kayla

1/30/2014 08:49:07 am

So.. if you get cheated on.. its your own fault because you wont have enough sex with your partner? LOL OKAY..

Trent

1/30/2014 09:12:16 am

I am a soldier and when I first started reading this I thought you were a guy (sorry) and after reading It and finding out you weren't I felt ashamed of myself to be so bias. This post made me smile that I do some of these things already. It also made me realize that my marriage soon to be will be great. Great article. You should think about writing a book lol

1/30/2014 10:20:26 am

Trent, thank you for your service most of all. Second, thank you for your comment. That was sweet! : ).

1/30/2014 09:21:38 pm

Really though. Write a book on all this. People could really use this and the motivation to have a better marriage. Good luck.

Jackie

1/30/2014 09:41:13 am

WOW! What a great idea. We did try something similar when our kids, (now 22, 19 and 15) were younger. I wish it had worked better, but I'm thinking of trying it again with our almost 16 year old that is questioning where he fits in and his sexuality.

Indigo link

1/30/2014 11:11:32 am

Love the bubble idea. Think I might try it in my (community college) classes. Thanks!

Donna

1/30/2014 01:16:33 pm

Honestly people I have read every comment and it's very disheartening to see that a lot of the comments are geared towards gay marriage. Regardless of your beliefs, feelings or opinions of gay marriage or gay people, I truly believe that this is about how people in general (married, engaged, dating, in a relationship, friendship, gay, straight, whatever) should treat each other. Everything in life has rules and standards and it shouldn't matter what you prefer to do in life. Respect is a powerful tool and most people I've come across need a lesson or two in it. Thank you Kristy Sinsara for reminding me of what's really important. Maybe the world would be a better place if people would apply your rules to themselves and treat everyone with respect and have some dignity.

1/31/2014 01:09:39 am

Gosh, Donna - there are a bazillion replies here. Most of them are not regarding the topic of gays. I will say that Most of the replies are about #6! Sex in general or people voicing their heart in a place that maybe they can't elsewhere. And sharing their experiences to help others. However, you do have a very valid point about common respect for other individuals. So sad that we as a society have lost that. I appreciate each post made in this blog. It has been informative and interesting in many ways. It would be so great if marriages would become more solid and stay together working out the problems, especially for the kids' sake. It's so darn hard to try to figure out life when you come from a broken home (personally speaking). If Both spouses would just be committed and do what they should! And if they don't know what their role in a marriage should be, get marriage counseling to learn. I often tell my early 20's kids - *Know The Person You Will Be Marrying. Then many of the marital problems wouldn't exist (they'd be on the same page) or would be easier to fix... because he would know what she is like beforehand. When I was dating the common thing was - date to get to know the other person. So wrong! I tell my kids to get to know the person THEN... **DECIDE** decide if you want to date them as a potential spouse and talk about every topic under the sun to see if you're compatible. That took me a couple of marriages to learn it myself! Maybe people are starting to see the devastation that divorce causes (even in our nation). It takes two to do what's right. The next generation will be affected in a good way or otherwise. Know your partner - it isn't too late in any marriage as long as both are willing. This blog puts it straight out there! Whew! Well, that was on my heart to share. Something to think about and sorry it was so long.

1/31/2014 01:12:05 am

Geeze - I had a hard time getting the post to go through. TOTALLY SORRY for the duplicates. Maybe two can be deleted?

1/31/2014 01:13:55 am

Geeze - I had a hard time getting the post to go through. TOTALLY SORRY for the duplicates. Maybe two can be deleted? It tells me to please try again.... so I did. And nothing happened so I did again! Haha! and you got three. - now this one won't submit. I hope it doesn't post duplicates again!!!

6/12/2014 09:08:15 am

I am Jane from USA, after 9 years in marriage with my husband, he divorced me and brought in another lady, i did all i could to get him back but all proved abortive, until a old friend of mine told me about a spell caster on the internet who helped her in a similar issue at first i doubted it but decided to give it a try, when i contacted him he helped me cast a re-unite spell and within 48 hours my husband came back to me apologizing and today we are happily together. Contact this great spell caster on your relationship or marriage problems at lovethlovespell@yahoo.com

laurita

1/30/2014 02:07:18 pm

So if you and you spouse did the bubble and said I want in the bubble and there are NO CONSEQUENCES and they said I cheated or something really bad how do you go about that? I mean women's heads think all the time how can you not let that bother you or anything else that is said ..I mean either party could say to each other you've lost your self a bit why dont you come to the gym With me..yes it can be constructive criticism but some girls will become so self conscience after or insecure... how do u brush off the negative bubbles?

Andile

1/30/2014 05:02:32 pm

I fully agree with #6!!!!!!!! my partner has this tendency of completely ignoring my sexual needs and desires and her excuse is always the same "I'm just lazy babe not that I don't want you" to me that is just selfish and I will be very honest, I have thought about getting it somewhere else because even if I am not in the mood I never turn her down.

we don't stay together we only see each other on weekends and it saddens me that she can't try for just one day in the week which is Friday because out of respect for her religion we don't have sex on Saturdays but when she wants she breaks that rule.

I have no idea how to fix this but I forwarded this blog to her and I am holding thumbs!

Jeremy

1/31/2014 12:44:06 am

You did not come up with the "Bubble" idea. It's been around for years. And it's a bad idea.

No matter how much you want to say something, sometimes you should not say it to your spouse. People hold grudges. It's human nature.

Dave link

1/31/2014 02:09:04 am

Hands down, the best article I've ever read on this topic. Open, frank, and spot on accurate! I've never been married at 34 and so many of these things I've brought up with past exes and if they weren't met or at least acknowledged, I figured it wasn't right. Good to know so many "experienced" people feel the same by the comments. This article justifies my search and quest even more. Thanks!

2/1/2014 07:24:12 am

Thanks Dave ; )

Paul C

2/2/2014 01:21:38 pm

Ditto what Dave said. I am so thankful for the opportunity to read this. My marriage of 18+ years ended on 2-3 things which were written by you. Who knows how things would be today had I had the benefit of this knowledge sooner. Thank God I have been given another chance, as I am married to a wonderful woman. I don't know what I would do if I lost this one.
Ironically I saw in this article some of those same mistakes from my previous marriage occurring in my current one. Life only comes around once and there is no guarantee that ours will last as long as we hope. Whatever it takes to make each day precious, I am committed to do. Therefore, today is the most important time in my marriage and my life. Because of your tips, those previous relationship killing mistakes are ending TODAY.
BTW... concerning #6, my wife can demand, ask or hint that she wants sex and I stop whatever I am doing and give it to her. YES, I am happy to be her manwhore, piece of meat, sex slave or anything else she needs to be satisfied sexually. Finally I know what I didn't know that I didn't know,I didn't know that I didn't know. Thank you a million times over and over and over. ,

Inspired Girl - Barbara Y link

1/31/2014 04:53:22 am

This is a GREAT post! Great tips, all of them! THANK YOU!

http://www.inspiredgirl.me

1/31/2014 09:34:45 am

WELL WE HAVE FINALLY DONE IT. We have actually surpassed a million views on this blog. THAT IS INCREDIBLE. Thank you so much to all of you that shared this article.

Join me on Facebook now. Hit the icon above or find me at Facebook.com/ksinsara

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to all of you that posted and shared and commented, sent me emails, etc. LOVE IT. Thank you!

#feelingblessed

Kira

1/31/2014 10:48:51 am

Great article . Thank you . All the comments are just as great . Super interesting to see all the different view points . What a great forum . The whole thread should be put into a book :)

1/31/2014 10:58:44 am

I was kind of thinking the same thing! : ). Love all of the comments!

Kingston Hawke

1/31/2014 04:39:35 pm

Some of these are good, some are obvious, and others are retarded. You obviously shouldn't threaten to leave. You shouldn't threaten anything, threats that you don't plan on keeping are childish in general. But don't confuse expressing yourself honestly with threatening to leave. Your partner should know how happy you are with the relationship because you should let them know. And they should also know that if they don't value you enough to make the relationship something worth continuing to be a part of, that the relationship might end. Flowers don't bloom because they promised to, they bloom because you cared enough to put in the work. That's the same thing with the bubble. If you can't speak to your other(s) openly at all times, then you chose wrong... plain and simple. Lastly, that have sex even when you don't want to part... that's retarded. If you too don't click sexually, and that includes whether or not you are secure enough to allow each other to have sex with other people or not... then you shouldn't be together. Having sex when you don't want to isn't healthy. You're not going to have a healthy relationship by making habits out of unhealthy behaviors.

John

1/31/2014 08:52:56 pm

Many many too many comments on six read everything this young person is saying I'm on my second marriage first marriage was happy well lived life that my partner was taken away by God's will second is the happiest I've been in years the funny thing is I follow these rules naturally because of being respectful and treating my partner as an equal partner learning and listening making mistakes and talking them out most of all loving which in itself is a novel that can be written.. life is hard we all can make it easy or hard it's the individual ands how we treat our every day living that shows the outcome puff years to come be good to one another respect one another as you would like to be treated this

Antroine link

1/31/2014 10:48:17 pm

I've been now in an almost 2year gay relationship with my guy and the past few months we've been going THROUGH IT. And OMG Literally every bullet point in this article I think we have broken. Thank you so much for this!

Kouri

1/31/2014 11:34:43 pm

In regards to #9, I've always worded the phrase differently. "We choose our battles; we pick our fights." The battles are longer, more strategic--we bring along a certain amount of emotional armor. To pick a fight is a play on words. We're asking for it just as much as we'd like to engage in it. There's no winning in a fight. Bullies pick a fight. Strategists choose a battle.

Nomes

2/1/2014 02:51:14 am

As someone who falls into the 'too lazy/I've had a long day category' this is a great wake up call. Thanks!

Discover Wandering link

2/1/2014 04:26:25 am

I really enjoyed this article, thanks for sharing your experience! I think it is real, gritty, and full of love. I linked your article to my blog post. I've been in a relationship for 13 years, since high school, and have a few pieces of advice for others. Enjoy
http://discoverwandering.wordpress.com/2014/02/01/pieces-of-advice-for-a-long-term-relationship/

Natasha

2/1/2014 10:06:20 am

Great post! I think the key is clear open honest communication.
#6 is a great rule. It ties in with the rest because they are about keeping the bond strong. We always put food/shelter as our basic needs, but love is a need too and in a marriage physical love is a need.its helps to keep the bond strong and growing. And you are right, if a need isn't being met consistently and over a period of time, we go looking for it. That doesn't make it right, or fair and I don't feel it makes the non putter outer a bad person to blame its just human nature.

2/1/2014 11:43:35 am

#6 is one I've heard over and over, and it bugs me. So, if I don't like sex and never have, I'm supposed to do it anyway? That's fine once in a while. (I did it last night, in fact.) But most every time he wants to for the rest of my life? That's what makes me question my commitment!

This is the point where someone usually points out that I need to tell him what I like. Except I don't like ANY of it. It's sticky and stinky and sweaty and - at best - when I force myself to be in the mood - it's okay. I have never loved it and can't imagine that I ever could.

Fortunately, my husband is patient with me and hasn't cheated on me, and honestly, I don't see myself caring that much if he did. Sex just is not important to me at all, and that means if he wants to do that with someone else, that's not important to me either. Lying about it would be a different issue, because that's a breach of trust. But sex really has no value at all to me, so I don't really care who he has sex with, especially if it means I don't have to. I have even told him that, but he has remained faithful anyway.

Bottom line, not everyone was born with an innate desire to co-mingle body fluids. It took me a very long time to figure out that I'm abnormal because I don't find that appealing. But honestly, I can't empathize with anyone who does. I can't imagine that being anything but just gross. It took me several years of marriage to figure out that sex wasn't a novelty that he'd eventually get tired of, like I did. Statements like #6 just make me feel like I'm a bad wife because I didn't get the "likes sex" gene.

CHP%

2/1/2014 12:35:55 pm

Wow -great article. Thanks.

2/1/2014 01:13:54 pm

It really is quite fun to read through all of these comments and realize how different we all really are. LOLOL It's awesome.

"I love #6", "you're an idiot for #6", "the bubble is dumb", "the bubble is the best idea I"ve ever heard". LOLOL

Truly, we all see life through our own filtered experiences now don't we?

tim

2/1/2014 05:10:52 pm

I'm sorry, but this is a crock. I've been married 7 years and we are happy. I've maybe consciously thought about a couple of these "rules" but they aren't something to live by. You want real rules?

1. Respect your spouse, even when you are fighting. You are the closest person to them and can do the most damage. Never walk out, never sleep on the couch. Stop in the middle of the fight, just for a second, embrace, say you love each other, and rusume with calmer minds. We don't need a magic bubble to talk, that is stupid.

2. Don't be selfish. God is first, others second, yourself third. This is done along with #1. Sex will not fix your problems, its crappy when you don't feel like it. Make up, then have make up sex, then its good.

3. Have you done something for them lately? Do it, even if they will not realize or thank you. This can be a gift, dinner, date, whatever. Just do something. This goes with #1,& #2.

4. Break up the routine as much as you can. Do something different.

5. Once a week, at least, make your goodnight kiss a little longer than normal, combine it with a hug. Break up the routine, goes with #4.

6. Dream together. What are your goals in life? Think about your future together.

The rest of the crap in this article will come naturally.

2/1/2014 05:15:03 pm

As for deal breakers. Don't set a deal breaker with your spouse. Do you really want them pushing the envelope and finding loop holes to the deal breakers? They either respect you or not, they should never be remotely close to a deal breaker.

susan

2/2/2014 05:34:36 am

NO, NO, A THOUSAND TIMES NO ABOUT THE BUBBLE. MAYBE ir would workshop in some marrages. I WAS MARRIED TO A SOCIALOPATH. NO CONCIQUNCES.

Terrence

2/2/2014 06:28:37 am

So what do you do when prior to kids she wanted sex all the time and now two kids later, she acts like she could care less. Yes, Ai know the changes in women after kids and I accept that. But leave it to her and we would probably never have sex, she NEVER initiates it anymore. I have to ask and when I do it's usually, "We'll see." or "Depends when the kids go to sleep." Or sometimes she stays up late knowing she has to work and she is on a strict sleeping schedule (her own rule) to where she goes to bed and goes straight to sleep.

What do I do? We are engaged and this is not something I think is acceptable going into a marriage.

2/4/2014 12:47:09 am

She may not want it because she isn't craving it. What are you doing to make her want to have sex? I can't imagine it's even good if only one person (you) wants it. Make that sex so incredible that she'll keep wanting it more. Too many dudes "F for the nut". You gotta make sure she's getting hers too. Sometimes when a woman ignores you, that's when she wants you the most. Maybe she wants you to take control. Maybe she likes being dominated. Either way good luck!

2/4/2014 07:39:51 am

The sex before the kids was mind blowing, we'd go all night. After our daughter it just stopped and not because of me. There was no change in the quality. I make sure she gets he's and most times I don't. Which I am fine with because I am happy with the act of just being intimate with her.

I say to her, "Tonight." Her response is, "We'll see.." The whole taking control thing, she's never been that way, why now. And how do you take control and not be disrespectful.

2/4/2014 07:40:06 am

Tammy link

2/2/2014 08:28:14 am

I love this I just came back to my husband after 3 months of separation because I don't like the way he treats my down syndrome son. I'm going to have him read this he always tells me he doesn't have time for me. It had been 10 years since he has intercourse with me. I have been faithful to him but I don't know if he has. Nothing has changed in the last 3 months I just can't make ends meet on my own. It is really sad and stressful for me.

2/6/2014 12:46:29 pm

I know for me, it's not about control. I say, "We'll see..." because I don't want to make a promise I can't keep. Maybe, Terrance, this is why she says it. Kids are stressful. Does she get regular days off where she can recharge? I know I don't and it takes a big toll on my libido. Right now I don't want anyone to touch me. The kids have been clinging and using me for a monkey bar. Not to mention being hard to get to bed tonight. When we had babies, again, I holding them, feeding them (breast feeding), rocking them etc... so at the end of the night the last thing I wanted was to be touched by someone else. No matter how much I loved them I didn't even want a hug. Sometimes it's not about controlling it's just about personal space and needing a connection other than sex. Marriage is about love and emotional connection too.

Waldo

2/2/2014 01:24:02 pm

I agree with rule 6. My wife and I have been together 8 years, married for 6. She didn't want to have sex before marriage and I think I was really to insecure with myself to say anything. I thought it would be ok once we got married. I was wrong. We tried on our honeymoon and discovered what she neglected to mention, she could't. Her hymen ended up being too thick and had to be surgically removed which took her almost 3 years to do. After recovering and such we tried and it still wasn't working cause her muscles were too tight. Back to the doctor who gave her these basically wax dildos to try to work her way up to a size that would allow for sex comfortably. That was 4 or 5 years ago now and I am still waiting. I honestly have been faithful but I have been very close to doing something like cheating cause I am patient but patients has limits. That's just the half of it though. Both of us have some fertility problems, her's is, well at least seemed to be that she might be going through early medapause on top of all of her medical problems. I say might cause it has been 3 years of "might". No one can say for certain because the tests are not very conclusive. Mine is that I have a low sperm count and was recomended to use a fertility clinic but there is still obviously a chance of pregnancy if we could actually have sex. Well, 17 weeks ago, not to my knowledge, she decided now is urgent and went to a sperm clinic and got injected with sperm and of course pregnant. 5 weeks later on a trip to my cousins wedding she tells me this, the whole 5 weeks really pushing to try to have sex that I know she can't have later confessing it was a coverup to try to make me believe it was my kid. She also only told me cause she wasn't feeling good on the trip and didn't want to drink alcohol of course and why not. This was something I stated as my do not compromise on list. For good or bad, I just want to have my own biological kids and I was fine not having any kids if that was the case. I am very torn, do I stay and try to find the love that I don't feel near as strongly about anymore or do I part ways. There are also lots of other things like forged cheques that she wrote in my name when I said I didn't have the money for what she wanted it for or the personality differences that have become more prominent over the last 4 years. I am the main bread earner in the relationship and I don't think she can really make it on her own. Call me stupid, but at this point I haven't the heart to leave someone in that kind of situation but I find it hard to be around her too. Being she is 3/4 a sociopath doesn't help want to stay either. Any reading about them says run! A lot of the advice is very true and familiar so I would like to thank the author for their words of wisdom! I hope others find it useful as well. And any advice or helpful experiences for my situation would be appreciated!

Amberlicious

2/4/2014 07:27:31 am

Waldo- You need to get out ASAP. You've been married for years and never had sex and she snuck and got herself impregnated? I'd say you have dealt with enough. This isn't normal healthy behavior and you deserve better.

As far as the child goes, you need to talk to an attorney ASAP so that you aren't responsible to pay child support.

Good luck to you my friend.

2/5/2014 04:31:57 am

Ya, Waldo, I'm going to agree with the comment below. You're way past getting help for your marriage. You need personal therapy and figure out why you would put up with that crap. ???? WTH?

2/2/2014 05:51:57 pm

I have several things to say about this blog. I love the bubble idea. People that can't handle it are too sensitive. If you can't be honest with your spouse then what's the point. Reading through some of these comments makes me think most of you should just give it up. And #6. Damn lots of haters about sex. Kristy I'll have sex with you. You're freaking hot. Thank you for posting this and for not listening to these stupid haters. Haters suck.

2/5/2014 04:26:54 am

You lost me at the proposition. Clearly you didn't read the blog. I'm happily married. You're clearly not!

2/3/2014 06:16:44 am

I agree with everything but the merging, but I've only been married for 8 years. We do have some separate things, but to me instead of not merging I think my view on it is compromise. I'm very bull headed and I think things should be done "my way" or what I want to do, but I have compromised so I have started to do some of the things he likes and he does some things I like. We even work together. At the same time we do have some separate things too. So I like having separate things, but at the same time we love to hang out and do things outside of our comfort zone together. I think that is something that has kept us as strong as we have.

2/5/2014 04:28:20 am

You literally just said that you disagree with me and then repeated me exactly, almost verbatim. For the record...

Two points. Refuse the urge to merge....and then the couples that play together stay together. BOTH points I made, both points you just reiterated but disagreed with?

Leslie

2/5/2014 05:12:47 am

You read that wrong..because what you just said is what Kristy said in the first place.

4/15/2014 04:46:54 pm

Marilyn Filiault link

2/3/2014 09:37:15 am

My marriage was strained because of all the deaths in my family, first my brother drowns @ 29, then my parents murder suicide then my husband of 35 years dies, remarrying another man wasn't real good at first. I smothered him by trying to fit life in before one of us dies( in my mind). I'm still trying to let him go places on his own, poor guy lol
I guess it's a fear of losing him, but I'm getting way better and he's very patient with me, he was a bachelor and me a widow so maybe a stressful match .....

Jessica

2/4/2014 12:39:07 am

I was all for this until the sex part. Seriously, have sex even if you don't want to? What if you can't? What if you're physically incapable of having sex due to some horrible injury that happened during your marriage, or what if you're terminally ill? Should you still have sex then so you aren't afraid that your partner will wander away?

" I'm always amazed by these women that refuse to sleep with their husbands but then act completely victimized when their husbands cheat on them. Your husband was the victim first with your demands of monogamy and then refusal to be his partner in that area in life. "

If your husband was a "victim", then he shouldn't have gotten married, period. Demands of monogamy? Isn't that what marriage is about, being committed in a monogamous relationship? This was the most ridiculous statement I have read. You can't write a successful blog about how to keep a healthy marriage going when you're referring to one of the spouses, (let alone the man), being the victim because he agreed to get married! Wow!

2/5/2014 04:25:51 am

You're taking it too far. I was referencing people that CAN and WANT to still have sex with each other but often times just let lifes demands get in the way.

And NO I believe that if you're going to DEMAND that your spouse is monogomous that it is UNFAIR that you refuse to have sex with them. That's BS and a HUGE dealbreaker for most people. Sorry ; )

2/6/2014 12:41:00 pm

I'm glad my husband doesn't think it's a deal breaker because we'd be in big trouble if it was.

Because of stress and life and probably some medical issues and some self esteem issues thrown in there, I have a low libido. When we first met and got married I was a nympho. No word of a lie. lol Every chance I got I was on him. He actually turned ME away. Fast forward 15 years, work-a-holic tendancies (on his part) leaving me to deal with everything else (and I mean everything... 3 special needs kids and all their needs (school and medical), financial stuff, household stuff... everything) has put a strain on our sex life because I feel very under appreciated. YES I've communicated that to him. I've told him I feel like he's becoming a stranger, that we don't spend any time together. I've asked him to do things with me but he rarely does.

No matter what is going on with me, though, I WILL demand monogomy from him, as I gave it to him all those years ago. If he wants to be with someone else then he can leave me. Loving someone, marrying someone is for better and worse, even if that worse is no sex.

Jim

2/4/2014 01:08:37 am

I really appreciated this article, but I do have to disagree about marriage NOT about being in love.

I will go out of my way to date my wife, and court her. i do get butterflies - because not only do I love my wife, I am absolutely in love with her. - been 7 years, 2 kids. I don't see that changing as long as I'm alive.

anyways, like other readers I love the bubble idea!

thank you for posting this!

2/5/2014 04:23:41 am

OF all of the comments people posted here I honestly believe this is the dumbest.

I do NOT believe that ANYONE feels "in love" every day of their life. If you're saying you do, we're all going to call BULLSHIT on you. I'm still madly in love with my spouse too...but not every day do I walk in the door and feel butterflies.

I still get excited about date night and our alone time and just holding hands in the car for that matter...but not every day do I feel giddy when she walks in the door.

Give me a break. And I'm trying to explain to people that ITS OKAY if you're not "in love" every day. You should still stay committed, because commitment is far more important ultimately and is what ultimately keeps you together after bad days, weeks months years. Infactuation brought you together, love is the little sprinkles that makes it all beautiful but commitment is the glue that holds you together! PERIOD. Your comment here is the reason why people get divorced so often.

Oh, I'm no longer in love...moving on to someone I feel "in love" with. LAME. NEXT!

Jay M

2/4/2014 08:18:20 am

I agree with every single one of your points Kristy and think this shoudl be a mandatory read for all married couples. Sharing now on Facebook. Thank you for taking the time to write it.

nan j

2/4/2014 05:36:23 pm

My husband and I will celebrate 21 yrs this month, but the last 10 have really been rough on us. I really appreciated your blog. Health problems have hit both my husband and myself, but he doesn't understand how severely this has affected my libido. I have asked my Dr. several times and can not get them to do the tests I know I need done. Most of the time he is understanding. Other times he is vert hateful and hurtful with his comments about what a wife's duties are. At those times, after he has truly hurt me, I tell him that maybe he needs to find a better wife and mother to his twin daughters then.

2/5/2014 04:30:40 am

Last TEN years have been rough? That's half your marriage.

Truth be told, I think it sounds like you both need to be better to each other here. Honestly? You need to go into the bubble and tell him that you'll work on being better at putting out if he'll be better at making you want to give it up ; ).

You both need to compromise. No man can expect sex without being someone that is deserving of sex...and NO just being married is NOT deserving of sex.

2/6/2014 12:35:31 pm

"Putting out"? Honestly!? My husband words it like that and it makes it feel cheap. I read she's TRYING to get help, medically, for a lack of labido that's caused by medical issues but her doctor isn't doing what she'd like him to. (btw... he works for YOU... not the other way around. Demand the tests you need done. Don't ask.) If the husband (or spouse/SO/partner) can't understand a medical issue and gets mean about it then that's THEIR issue, not her's. You're putting the blame on her, to be deserving of sex. He's not being deserving by blaming her for her lack of labido. How do I know this? Because I'm in the same boat. Only my lack of labido isn't medical (that I know of). It's because I'm pulling 75% of the weight in the household. He goes to work (and I admit works hard in a job he doesn't like) and then comes home and plays video games all night, spends most of his days off glued to the system. I ask him to spend time with me and it really does a number on my self esteem that he'd rather face a screen than me. I've told him not to treat me like a sex toy, there for his enjoyment, but he still gropes and grabs and makes lude comments in front of the kids (which I HATE). So saying she's to blame is poppycock! And yes... by saying "I'll work on "putting out" if you..." you're blaming her.

2/5/2014 05:02:02 am

I agree with everything in this blog and I have very briefly gone over some of the comments. No You might not feel IN LOVE everyday of your life but you can have a beautiful partnership together. Oh and the whole sex thing yeah us women wont have sex on command but we need to be a little bit more understanding that SEX is a very vital part to any relationship. As hard as it sounds if your partner isn't getting that attention or fulfilling that need someone else will whether it be EMOTIONAL or PHYSICAL. I personally make it my goal to be sexy and keep the man I am with always intrigued. No one said relationships were a walk in the park they take a lot of hard work and most of all love.

2/5/2014 05:15:46 am

Kristy you are doing amazing here. So many people are sooo lost and so afraid and I commend you. Do me a favor though don't waste too much time on people that are not "awake" on these topics. Theres a lot of people that respect and agree with what you say and I think spend your time with them only. :) Hugs have a great day.

Lee

2/5/2014 06:35:20 am

Thank you so much for writing this blog. My partner and I have been together four years, and while we have a very strong relationship we are still dealing with "growing pains", and at the moment are in counseling. While we are no where near "the end", we both recognize things could use some improvement to ensure we are both getting the most out of the relationship. I am going to ask my partner to read this article, I truly think we could use some of these rules in our relationship to take it from good to great. I applaud your rules, your thoughts, and your openness. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there like you have, but you are doing great things and I hope this advice finds its way to those who could really use it.

Have a blessed day.

A VERY GRATEFUL WRITER

2/5/2014 06:38:02 am

THANK YOU to you Lee and Leslie both for saying what you said. MADE MY DAY!

Kristy Sinsara

Laura

2/5/2014 08:47:32 am

The writer of the article has clearly never dealt with something called sexual anorexia. Please look it up rather than assuming that the crux of all sex problems have to do with an unwilling woman and a man with an overzealous libido. I don't want to go into it here, but it is real and it exists and the woman is stuck in a no win situation where the opposite of a scarlet letter is emblazoned on her and in most cases, she is too polite to rat out the ex husband. There. I've said it.

2/7/2014 08:47:06 am

Laura, I'm going to just jump in here and offer my two cents on your post. I feel like I have some understanding of the issue you speak simply because my partner has a crippling fear of intimacy, which is a big reason why we are in counseling. It's hard and frustrating to know he could have sex with a total stranger without an issue, but a romantic setting scares him to the point of no return. I am not trying to speak for the author, just offer my own thoughts here.

If you or someone you know/love has a problem with sexual anorexia then I truly hope/pray/suggest they start seeking counseling. A healthy relationship cannot exist between two people who are not having sex, unless it is a mutual agreement between them. Our brains are wired for it. So, while I understand the illness very well and first hand, it is still something that should be addressed by a trained professional. The person suffering from this disease would feel so much better if they at least seeked treatment to try and help cope or come up with ways in which they could try to improve. I agree with the author, you can't expect someone to stay in a monogamous relationship and never give them what they need. I also suggest couples counseling, as I have at least seen some improvement in the ways my partner and I are finding new ways of expressing intimacy that have nothing to do with sex. For my partner, he gets a fill of intimacy by verbal sharing and expressions. I personally get a fill of intimacy with physical touch, so being cuddled does help fill the void when we are not having sex. I also suggest you or the person inflected with this disease read "The Five Love Languages", it is truly an amazing book and it also helps in ways of communication.

I hope things get better. I really do.

2/7/2014 08:47:15 am

2/7/2014 08:47:28 am

2/7/2014 08:47:42 am

Hanu

2/5/2014 12:13:41 pm

Kristy, I'm wondering though....what if a spouse confesses about a deal breaker in the 'bubble'? Does the no consequence rule still apply or is it a deal breaker?

2/5/2014 01:50:52 pm

You know what? Then MAKE that your rule and tell them. Tell them your deal breakers. If your spouse cheating on you is a deal breaker than you need to be sure and tell them that NOW, before they ever go into the Bubble.

Deal breakers are deal breakers. My wife knows my deal breakers. If broken...I do not care if she admitted to them in a freaking triple layers bubble wrapped in oreo cookies...HELL NO. A deal breaker is a deal breaker...and they trump the bubble!

Joseph S

2/6/2014 03:58:40 am

BY FAR the BEST blog I have ever read. Now...when is your book coming out? I heard someone else asking this but honestly Kristy you should consider it. Love your writing style, it's fun and easy and I think you have a lot to offer. I know you said you're not really a writer, but I believe you are. Great stuff. Keep it up!

2/6/2014 12:44:56 pm

every person should read this, before they get married or before they have a kid

2/6/2014 02:49:11 pm

THANK YOU Shane. Glad you like the blog. : )

Dr Joe

2/6/2014 02:10:05 pm

All said in here is nothing. Merely world mentality of handling a super dynamic institution called Marriage.

The only true way you can have a perfect and peaceful marriage is by allowing the Holy Sprit direct your thought, mind, feelings and your body.

If Satan/negative energy/thoughts tells you to yell at your wife/husband, the Holy Spirit will tell you to calm down and talk with his dynamic.
If your wife tells you, I want a Divorce the Holy Spirit will teach you how you should respond.

When you release your entire self to him, you can never have failures in your marriage.

Seek to understand his gentle positive voice ringing in your mind every second. Follow his gentle sound and vibration that can control you dynamically. Once you understand this, you have uncounted an heavenly realm Kings, Queens and all in higher places seek to know.

His sheep hears his voice. Seek him within my friends and it is well with you all, Amen.

Madison

2/7/2014 11:16:04 am

FANTASTIC ARTICLE!!!!!
PERFECT REALLY!

Jordan

2/7/2014 01:58:09 pm

It's about finding someone first

Heather

2/8/2014 09:35:29 pm

"refuse to ever give it up, put out, say "yes"?" Even using these phrases for sex and intimacy is rife with the same disrespect that the rest of the article warns against. If your spouse doesn't want sex with YOU, THERE ARE REASONS, of which YOU ARE A PART. Maybe it's just fatigue (are you doing your share?), or illness (can you help the person be healthier?), or maybe YOU ARE BEING A JERK & THUS NOT ATTRACTIVE. Talk with your spouse. Yes, both of you need to make time, but sex, while definitely NECESSARY in a healthy relationship, is also a sign that SOMETHING IS NOT HEALTHY. So don't expect a DEMAND to be met, unless you are doing ALL you can from your side as to why and addressing whatever the underlying issue is. Assuming it is ok to cheat because someone hasn't "satisfied" you is RIDICULOUS.

Bonnie link

2/9/2014 12:10:05 am

Below is a comment i left on another site...But would like to add the importance of timing in communication and allowing transitioning time between roles. e.g. work to home often called " the arsenic hour " just before supper, picking up kids or if one partner works out out town and returns. Being tired, hungry, stressed from work day can result in some venting can should be seen just as that, not personal, so planning that time to be more restful and choosing a later time for the deeper issues is often better.

A very practical article with the importance of respect, open trusting communication, checking anger and threats at the door, safety within the "home bubble ", & strong personal self esteem ( not being a clone to your partner ) are a few points that jumped out at me..

Nikki Lee

2/9/2014 01:16:59 am

My children are grown now, 25, 27 & 28 yrs old. I raised them with the "Bubble" I called it "Truth & Truth" time, like Truth or Dare. I started this when they were very young. 4 and 5 years old. Still today we have the most amazing relationship. They were made to never be afraid to ask anything, say anything or be honest during these times of questions, statements, or life events. It prevents Children from learning wrong, experimenting, or lying. they learn they can trust you and come to you with anything in life and that love is unconditional and non-judgmental. I have explained this to a few parents the wonderfulness of the Bubble, some do not get the no consciences thing. That included reactions like a gasp! or laughing. It includes the parent being Raw and Honest. I have to admit there were questions that made me blush. But I also learned things that saved my children's lives knowing. As adults, they also know they can talk to me about anything and I will not react with anger or judgment. I do not give advice unless asked, I do not interfere. I am an ear, I am Mom, I am there for all of them forever unconditionally.

megan

2/9/2014 02:39:45 am

I absolutely love this. I can't believe how much I relate to this blog. I too am in my first "serious" relationship and have yet to figure out the rules. My partner and I have been together for almost 3 years and she too was married to a man for 12 years before we got together. We are out of our honeymoon phase and I sit here and wonder if it's normal for us to be in this position after only being together for 3 years. To me, it seems like this is something that people go through after maybe 5-10 years; not 3. But I guess I just assume this because my lack of experience in the relationship department. I appreciate you throwing down the "rules." I can't wait to share this with her and hopefully open up the conversations and get back to where we were.

Angie P

2/11/2014 05:09:25 pm

Kristy I was forwarded your top ten rules to marriage from a friend of mine on Facebook. I LOVE IT! I was so floored by your ability to be so honest with the world about the lessons you had learned in marriage and I was shocked by how much I could relate. My husband and I have literally broken every single rule on that list and now realize so clearly why our marriage, after ten years and two babies, is failing.

After I read them (3x over) I called him at work so excited. He thought I was nuts at first. But I printed them out and we sat and discussed each one that night.

Like you, no one ever told us there were rules like this that must be followed. You are so spot on, we agree with every single one of them. I posted this on your site too.

I'm writing to tell you that I love your writing, I am officially your biggest fan, I love your spirit, I love your mind! I know that must sound weird because you don't know me. I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to do this for us all. You truly just helped me get my marriage back on track. My husband thanks you. Our kids thank you. Our families thank you. And from the bottom of my heart I THANK YOU! You are my angel. Hoping you a life of wonderful blessings!

2/12/2014 08:08:00 am

Thank you all for this crazy support. IT IS AWESOME. Just heard this article was going to be featured in an online magazine. I'll post the link once it runs. VERY COOL. LOVE LOVE LOVE all of this crazy love and support I have been getting for this. Appreciate the feedback and respect the opinions...ALL of them! THANK YOU GUYS!

Natasha link

2/15/2014 10:31:41 am

You didn't actually explain more info about The Bubble in your video. It just reiterated exactly what you had already written. Here's what I don't get:

How can there be no consequences when you can't control whether or not someone gets their feelings hurt? That's a consequence. You can't tell someone that they are not allowed to have an emotional reaction. They simply will. If my partner told me in The Bubble that she wanted me to lose weight, particularly during a really stressful time in our lives, I might be wounded. I might feel self-conscious. I might not want to have sex. I might be paranoid and triggered for the rest of our relationship.

"The Bubble" is truly the dumbest concept we've ever heard of.

Julie and Scott S.

2/15/2014 01:40:25 pm

I disagree with the person that posted that comment above here Kristy. My husband and I sat down and discussed the Bubble with our kids after first reading this blog about a month ago and it has been so much fun and so wonderful. We have always had a very open dialogue around our home too but IF you tell your kids that they suddenly have a COMPLETELY CONSEQUENCE FREE forum, it's amazing the things they'll be willing to say (and ask). To be honest, I get so excited now every time my son "asks to go into the bubble", as you suggested. It has been a great parenting tool. I suspect that anyone incapable of implementing it would also be incapable of handling the truth...as Jack Nicholson said "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH". Love all of your blogs now. I am a devoted fan! THANK YOU!

2/21/2014 06:38:06 am

That's awesome to hear. I LOVE THE BUBBLE. Logan just asked me the funniest question in the bubble last night (I can't repeat here) but it truly is such a great way to keep in touch with your kids' thoughts...LOVE IT. Glad to hear you guys all love it too!

chrisitina

6/16/2014 11:43:18 am

Comment deleted

Comments are closed.

Top Ten Rules Every Marriage Should Live By...

Archives